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Thinkabouts 1001-1500

How come your shampoo and conditioner never run out at the same time?
How come your teeth are the first to decay while you are alive yet the last to decay when you are dead?
How come, in office buildings, we refer to the tiers above ground as 'floors' but those below ground as 'levels'? And aren't all the below ground parking 'levels' slanted so you can drive from one level to the next? So how come the 'floors' are level but the 'levels' are not?
How come, no matter what it is, all the good ones are taken?
How come, when babies sleep all the time, people say they are a really good kid, but when I do that, they call me lazy?
How could I have been doing 70 miles an hour when I've only been driving for 10 minutes?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
How do astronauts scratch?
How do blind people know exactly where to look for those little Braille signs?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How do the "don't walk on the grass" signs get there?
How do the Keebler Elves produce so many cookies and crackers out of that one hollow tree?
How do they get the deer to cross at those yellow signs on the side of the road?
How do they get the elevator into the elevator shaft?
How do they unclog mail chutes in skyscrapers?
How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?
How do we know if the refrigerator light really does go out when we close the door?
How do we know that life goes on after death? No one has sent us a postcard!
How do we tell what brings happiness? Haven't poverty and wealth both failed?
How do you draw an invisible man?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you know when push comes to shove?
How do you make Holy Water? You boil the hell out of it! What do you do with Holy Water? Make Pope-sicles!
How do you pay attention and does it accept MasterCard?
How do you ship snow? Do you pack it in ice?
How do you spell forwards backwards?
How do you suggest they fix a hole in the suggestion box?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How do you throw out an old garbage can?
How does a brown cow give white milk when it eats green grass?
How does a child-proof cap know who's trying to open it?
How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How good can a one legged jockey be?
How is it possible for anyone to change the history of the world?
How is it possible for someone to say that they are speechless?
How is it possible that a stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure?
How is it possible to have "artificial coloring?" Red Jell-O is as red as red can be.
How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
How is it that if I'm innocent until proven guilty I can't just jet off to another country if I get charged with something?
How is it that we can stay up until 3:00 am with relative ease, but if we try to wake up at 6:00 am after a full nights rest, it's torture?
How long does a 'Grand Opening' really last?
How long would you be on hold if your call wasn't important to them?
How loud was the Big Bang, and did anybody hear it?
How many buttons are on a coat of paint?
How many chapters are in a two story home? Is it twice as many as in a one story one?
How many Chihuahuas does it take to make a burrito?-Depends on how big a burrito you want.
How many games of "Sorry!" am I going to win from Pepsi giveaways? If this keeps up, Milton Bradley is gonna go out of business, because those fools at Pepsi keep telling me to try again!
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands...
How many priests conduct a Boston Mass?
How many roads must a man go down before he will stop and ask directions?
How many roads must a man walk sown, before he admits he is lost?
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
How many times does a question have to be asked in order for it to qualify as a Frequently Asked Question?
How much caffeine can something have in it before it's illegal?
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?
How much energy does it take to power the low battery sign on your calculator?
How much faster would lightning hit the ground if it didn't zigzag?
How often does Seattle Wash?
How the heck did Peter Piper pick peppers that were already pickled?
I ain't gonna say ain't cause ain't ain't a word and ain't ain't in the dictionary so I ain't gonna say ain't no more.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.
I am getting so tired of slitting the throats of people who say I'm a violent psychopath!
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I am Omelet, the cheese Danish!
I am reading a very interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I am Woman. I am Invincible. I am Tired!!!
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.
I believe puppy dog heaven and kitty cat hell are the same place.
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, I mean come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
I binge but don't purge. Does that make me semi-bulimic?
I blame the increase of school violence on the popularity of sex education courses that promote abstinence and on the proliferation of anti drug programs like D.A.R.E. Lets face it , kids that are getting stoned and laid don't shoot each other.
I break into song only because I can't find the key.
I came, I saw, I took valium!
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. Boy, would they be surprised when they got attacked!
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I can resist anything but temptation
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.
I can't be drunk, I'm not 21!
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil twin.
I can't be overdrawn--I still have checks left!
I can't believe it's not Buddha!
I could be a vegetarian- if I was dead.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bathtub toys were a radio and a toaster.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it.
I did Coke for a while. Then I lost my contacts in Colombia, so I switched to Pepsi.
I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat roughage!
I didn't do it. You can't prove it. Nobody saw me. The sheep are lying!
I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I disagree with unanimity.
I discovered today that goldfish do not like Jell-O.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
I don't believe in time; I think it's just a clever marketing concept invented by the Swiss to sell clocks.
I don't care if I'm apathetic or not!
I don't deserve self esteem.
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
I don't get brainstorms, only braindrizzles.
I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I don't have to tell you that it goes without saying that there are some things better left unsaid because it speaks for itself.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
I don't remember being absent minded...
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
I don't get even - I get odd.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I don't have any trouble parking. I drive a forklift.
I don't pretend to have all the answers, I don't even pretend to know all the questions.. Hey, where am I?
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I dress, therefore, I undress myself.
I drive a VERY large truck and when you tailgate me, you put your life in my hands. Do we really know each other that well?
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I feel sorry for confetti: Its life span is two seconds and it can't be used again.
I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I got out of bed for THIS??
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
I had a teacher who use to punish me psychologically by making me go stand in the corner of my mind.
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
I have a little baby boy, my baby's name is Tom/ I used to be his daddy, but now I am his mom.
I have a mind like a steel trap--rusty and illegal in 37 states.
I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
I have enough money to retire Tuesdayif I die Thursday.
I have just as much power as the Pope, just less people believe in it.
I have lived through the sixties, seventies, eighties and nineties. Am I now about to live through the noughties?
I have my doubts about disbelief.
I have no rhythm, so I don't 'air guitar,' I 'air seizure.'
I have no sanity, just composure.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
I have so many good points that I'm a perfect sphere.
I have the heart of a small child...in a jar on my desk.
I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because so far I don't get it.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: That guy sure owed me a lot of money.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, 'I should hope not. If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?"
I just get bored with looking in the mirror and seeing the same image coming back at me all the time.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
I just invented a combination cell phone and digital camera. You can use it to send your insurance company a picture of the wreck you just caused.
I just opened my gas bill. I don't recall being kissed, but I know when I've been screwed.
I keep a very firm grasp on reality, so I can strangle it at any time.
I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it.
I knew a guy who cheated so bad in golf, he made a hole in one and put down a zero on the scorecard.
I knew then that our race was doomed. No-one could possibly be smart enough to counteract that much stupid. So, Universe, it's been great being bipedal and everything, though I feel like I got screwed out of a grasping tail. All in all, I give existence an Eight.
I know you are but what am I?
I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I like noise. I need noise. When it's too quiet I can hear my brain cells dying.
I like poetry. I also like cheese. So how come that coffee shop crowd just don't appreciate it when I try to read cheese to them?
I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I love cats, they taste like chicken!
I love cats. Want to trade recipes?
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
I love everybody... and you're next!!
I love playing cards with children. They can't tell you're dealing off the bottom of the deck.
I made a killing in the market. The farmers market. I ran over a chicken coop.
I march to the beat of a different drummer - whose location, identity and musical training has not yet been established.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
I may steal ideas, but I only steal the GOOD ones.
I miss you like the White House misses Nixon.
I must be a squirrel because you're nuts.
I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?
I never eat sushi. I have a problem eating things that are merely unconscious.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married and by then, it was too late.
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.
I owe, I owe, so off to work I go!
I plead contemporary insanity.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
I refused to attend his funeral, but I wrote a very nice letter explaining that I approved of it. (Mark Twain - on hearing of the death of a corrupt politician)
I saw a sign at a hardware store that said "Cast Iron Sinks." As if everyone didn't know that already.
I saw a sign that read "Clean Dirt Only." How is that possible?
I saw a sign that said "Seeing Eye Dogs only." Who's supposed to read this? The dog?
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"
I saw a yard full of Christmas lights on. Does that make it any more acceptable?
I should have known that it was going to be a very cold winter when I noticed that the squirrels around my house were using pink insulation for their nests. I've never seen that one in the Farmers Almanac!
i souport publik edekasion
I spend half my life in line and the other half on hold.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
I think "In God We Trust" may be responsible for the increase in illegitimate children.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.
I think if there's a place for maturity, it should be right next to the place where you hang your coat.
I think our democracy ought to take a clue from "Survivor." Every month, we ought to vote someone out of Congress.
I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability.
I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.
I think, therefore, I can't sleep.
I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I only wanted paychecks.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
I took a Physics course that was so hard I couldn't find the classroom.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I turned on the water, I got out of bed, I went to the shower...no...wait...
I used to be a schizophrenic until they cured me, now I'm just lonely.
I used to be an atheist until I found out that I was god.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle with the lost.
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted...
I used to buy stamps by mail, until I ran out of stamps.
I used to have a handle on life... then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
I want patience. AND I WANT IT NOW!!
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I spent, because, Yahoo, I'd have all my money back!
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
I wish I had a nickel for every nickel I found, because I'd have twice as many nickels.
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
I wish the way Teflon worked with eggs was the way your brain worked with ideas.
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness,' but it doesn't work.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wonder how many people would actually stay at my funeral if they propped me up in my coffin, opened my eyes and turned my head toward the people attending.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
I worship the ground that awaits you.
I would think that you could never find your Knight in Shining Armor at the airport because he would never make it through the metal detectors.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I'll get a life when I find the FTP site.
I'm a corporate executive -- I keep things from happening.
I'm a s coordinated as a cross-eyed spider with eight left feet.
I'm a socialist saving up to become a capitalist.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm in no shape to exercise.
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
I'm not a Jew, just Jew-ish.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I'm not evil, just nicely-challenged.
I'm not having hot flashes, I'm having power surges!
I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
I'm not so thunk as some drunkle peep I am!
I'm not your type; I'm not inflatable.
I'm only evil on days that end with midnight.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
I'm too lazy to procrastinate.
I'n mot dain bramaged.
I've always been confused about some things, like why cows never sing, "Camp Town Ladies."
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
I've done so much with so little for so long, that now I can do anything with nothing in no time at all.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
I've just discovered that the best way to get back on your feet is to quit making car payments.
I've never lost, I've just been a little behind when time ran out.
I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm looking into.
I'd better get back to work. The world isn't going to take over itself.
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary!
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy!
If #2 pencils are so popular, why are they still #2?
If 'GH' stands for 'P' as in 'Hiccough' and if 'OUGH' stands for 'O' as in 'Dough' and if 'PHTH' stands for 'T' as in 'Phthisis' and if 'EIGH' stands for 'A' as in 'Neighbor' and if 'TTE' stands for 'T' as in 'Gazette' and if 'EAU' stands for 'O' as in 'Plateau' then wouldn't the right way to spell 'POTATO' be "GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU"?
If 4 out of 5 dentists recommend sugarless gum what does the fifth one recommend? Pure sugar?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If 8.5 x 14 paper is considered 'legal' size is everything else illegal? Will we go to jail if we use illegal paper? Will the paper police pick us up or will we just be shredded?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If a bunch of guys have a competition to see who can put on a dress the fastest, would that be a drag race?
If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?
If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?
If a cat eats cheese can it catch mice with baited breath?
If a cat has 9 lives, and curiosity killed the cat, and while the cat's away the mouse will play, where the heck's the dog in all this?
If a celebrity's signature is worth, say $1000, and they wanted to buy something worth $1000, could they just sign a personal check made out for zero dollars?
If a child swallows his toy soldiers, will they be deployed in his G.I. tract?
If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?
If a Cop will pull you over for weaving on the highway what will he do if you knit?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If a cruise ship 'runs aground', why do they have to pump the water out to keep it from sinking? If it's 'aground', where is it going to go?
If a deaf person fell in the forest would he make a sign?
If a doctor is doctoring a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor the doctor being doctored the way the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored, or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor being doctored the way the doctoring doctor usually doctors?
If a fat man sings does that mean it's halftime?
If a funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound can he still hear his walkman?
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning and you could only save one of them would you go to lunch or read the paper?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
If a man talks in his sleep but still does not divulge any hot information for his wife is this a case of mind over mutter?
If a man was drowning in a lake of boiling urine, would you dive in to save him? Of course not. That's Darwinism.
If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?
If a martial artist stuck his hands in their pockets could he be arrested for carrying a concealed weapon?
If a mirror is in your house and no one is there to see it does it cast a reflection?
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a painter invents a new paint color is it a pigment of his imagination?
If a Parisian falls off a bridge does he go in Seine?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If a person thinks marathons are superior to sprints is that considered racism?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a person with the last name 'Names' writes their last name and then first and middle after it on an important document will the person reading it think they are really dumb?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, then why do you have to pay cash to get your film developed?
If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a ham-hock?
If a pig loses it's voice, is it disgruntled?
If a product is so good why is the competition called 'the leading brand'?
If a prune is a dehydrated plum what is prune juice?
If a rabbit is raised indoors would it be considered an ingrown hare?
If a really stupid person becomes senile how can you tell?
If a snail has a shell and the shell is there to protect them in evolutionary terms why are there slugs with no shells? Why didn't they die out since they are unprotected?
If a solitary farmer stands at a glory hole, does that make him the Blown Granger?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a successful man is one who can earn more money than his wife can possibly spend, is a successful woman one who can find that man?
If a surface ship is controlled from a bridge does that mean that a submarine is controlled from a tunnel?
If a teaspoon is meant to stir tea, is a tablespoon meant to stir tables?
If a thing is worth doing, it's worth doing well - unless doing it well takes so long that it isn't worth doing any more. Then you just do it 'good enough'.
If a trailer is taken off its wheels, is it still a mobile home?
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one around to hear it do the other trees laugh at it?
If a tree falls on someone, it has a crush on them.
If a tree falls on you in the middle of the woods, do you make a sound? If so, why? Who is going to hear you?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a vampire can't see himself in a mirror why is his hair always so neat?
If a well-established dry cleaner business displayed a sign that read "38 years on the same spot," and you dropped off some clothes to get dry cleaned, when would you expect to get them back?
If a woman wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
If Aliens exist and they have technologies far in advance of our own, why would they be able to travel millions of light years across the universe unharmed only to crash on Earth?
If all accidents happen within 7 miles of home, move 8 miles away!
If all rivers run into the seas why are the seas not full?
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
If all the teenagers who slept in class were laid end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
If all the world's a stage, where does the audience sit?
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
If ambulances can drive of the wrong side of the road and speed through lights with their siren on, why do they signal before they make a turn?
If an astronaut drinks a carbonated drink in space do the bubbles still rise to the top?
If an equestrian is drunk, does the horse walk crooked?
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs would they eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille?
If an older man marries a younger woman it's called 'robbing the cradle.' Why isn't it called 'robbing the casket?'
If anti-bacterial soap falls on the bathroom floor, is it still clean?
If astrology isn't true, how do you explain the impossibly unlikely fact that there are 12 astrological signs and the 12 constellations in the zodiac that just happen to match them perfectly?
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
If at first you don't succeed - YOU'RE FIRED!
If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your dysfunctional family.
If at first you don't succeed, blame the government.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, does it depress you that no one is surprised?
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you see if the loser gets anything?
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
If at first you don't succeed, then what's the point of making a fool out of yourself a second time?
If at first you don't succeed, then you didn't do it right!
If at first you don't succeed, to heck with it.
If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then give up. No sense being ridiculous about it, is there?
If at first you don't succeed, try doing it like your wife told you to.
If at first you don't succeed, watch T.V.
If at first you don't succeed, work for Microsoft.
If at first you don't succeed, you failed.
If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If baby steps are really small are senior citizen steps really big?
If bees live in an apiary do apes live in a beeiary?
If bigger is better, then why did we invent compactors?
If bills are rectangular how come they keep rolling in?
If brute force doesn't solve your problem, you're just not using enough.
If butter makes bread taste better, does that mean bread makes butter taste better?
If camels are called 'ships of the desert' why aren't boats called 'camels of the sea?'
If carrots develop better eye-sight how come you always see so many dead rabbits on the side of the road?
If Cher were to get cloned, would they be Cher and Cher alike?
If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question.
If coffee and tea stain your teeth brown, why doesn't milk stain them white?
If common sense was really common wouldn't we all have it?
If cows had shorter legs would it lead to their utter destruction?
If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
If death is "the last dance" what happens to all the wallflowers?
If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend who really is the dumber sex?
If Dickie does what Dickie do just what does Dickie do do?
If duct tape is used to tape duct work and anything else you need taped, why not call it 'Anything Tape'?
If Einstein was so smart, why didn't he ever use a comb and some hair gel before having his picture taken?
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
If everybody became somebody, then there wouldn't be anybody left to be nobody.
If everybody else in the world had a flu vaccination would you need one?
If everyone is a unique individual is it not unique to be an individual?
If everyone lived forever, where would we all park?
If everyone on Earth lost weight at the same time would the Earth change it's orbit?
If everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is going on.
If everything is part of a whole what is the whole part of?
If everything seems to be going well, you obviously overlooked something.
If evolution were true, wouldn't survival of the fittest have killed off all the stupid people by now?
If fats and sweets are so bad for your health, why are they at the top of the food pyramid?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If flowers don't talk back to you are they mums?
If footballs were made of deerskin, would the quarterback be 'passing the buck?'
If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I must be sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.
If God didn't want us to procrastinate, then why did he create infinity?
If God had intended for us to vote he would have provided some suitable candidates.
If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the airport.
If God had wanted people to swim in the ocean, he would have lined it with concrete and added chlorine.
If God is love and love is blind then isn't it a logical conclusion that God is blind? And if so how could God make man in his own image?
If God lived on earth, people would break his windows. -Jewish Proverb
If God sneezes... what should you say?
If God wanted us to be brave why did he give us legs?
If God wanted us to wake up at 9AM, he wouldn't have put sunrise at 6AM.
If gravity bends light, how come light isn't refracted as it leaves the sun?
If great minds really think alike then what makes them so great?
If half-trained lawyers are called paralegals and half-trained medics are called paramedics what does that say about parachutists?
If he who hesitates is lost, why must we look before we leap?
If Helen Keller had ESP, would you say she had a fourth sense?
If hindsight is 20/20, does that make Heinz-sight 57/57?
If horrific mean to make horrible, doesn't terrific mean to make terrible?
If hot air rises why is it cold on mountain tops?
If human beings have the unique ability to learn from the experience of others why do we not do so?
If I had a hip replacement, would that make me 'one hip guy?'
If I had some ham, I could have some ham and eggs, if I had some eggs.
If I think therefore I am, am I thinking that I think I am?
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I'd fart.
If I were you, who'd be me?
If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.
If I'm trying to get from here to there, what do I call the place I'm at now? And if I'm between here and there, isn't the place I'm at now, here? And if that is so, then the place I was, wouldn't be here, but there, right? And if there is there, and there is at the other end of the direction I was headed when I left here, then what is there? Is there the place I'm going? Or the place I'm leaving?
If if might never happen, why worry about if if might happen?
If incline means to go up and decline means to go down then does cline mean to stay even?
If infinity goes on for ever in all directions, does that mean that technically, every number is in the middle of infinity?
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
If it takes 10 men 10 days to dig 10 holes does it take the same 10 men 5 days to dig ten half-holes?
If it takes 100 million sperm to find 1 egg why are women so surprised when men refuse to ask for directions?
If it was on a record, it was recorded, right? And if it was on a tape, it was taped, right? So if it is on a disc, is it disced?
If it wasn't for anagrams, some jokes would never be told.
If it weren't for venetian blinds, it would be curtains for everybody.
If it's hot and spicy, why do they call it chili?
If it's its, why is it "its?" And if it's it's, why is it "it is?"
If it's not on fire is it a software problem?
If it's really a supercomputer, how come the bullets don't bounce off it?
If it's really evaporated milk why is the stuff still in the can when you open it?
If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid, is it?
If it's such a "beautiful day" in Mr. Rogers neighborhood then why is he always wearing a sweater?
If it's the quiet ones you have to watch out for why do we never hear about murders taking place in the library?
If it's the thought that counts, why bother with the presents?
If it's true that 'Early to bed and early to rise makes you healthy, wealthy and wise,' why are chickens so poor and stupid?
If it's true that we are here to help 'others'-then what exactly are the 'others' here for?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If I've said it once, I've said it twice, redundancy is coming back.
If jail and prison are synonymous why aren't jailer and prisoner?
If January in North America is winter and it's summer in South America, is it spring or fall at the Equator?
If Jesus was Jewish how come he had a Mexican name?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If Jimmy cracks corn, and nobody cares, why is there a song about him?
If Kentucky Fried Chicken is so finger lickin' good, why do they give you napkins?
If knees were backwards what would chairs look like?
If knowing is half the battle and getting there is half the journey, if you know how to get there are you done?
If law school is so hard to get through how come there are so many lawyers?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
If lawyers chase ambulances, do dentists chase hockey players?
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
If life hands you lemons, try to bean it in the head with one.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
If Life's a dance, I think I'm doing a Polka.
If light and sound have a measurable speed doesn't that mean that everything we see or hear has already happened? And doesn't it also mean that each and everyone of us is always living in the past?
If looks are genetic, and Adam and Eve were both perfect, where did all the ugly people come from?
If looks aren't everything why are plastic surgeons so busy?
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
If love is blind, is lingerie considered Braille?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If marriage is outlawed will outlaws be the only ones to have in-laws?
If marshmallows could talk would they speak in a high voice or a low voice?
If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren't we all masochist?
If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren't we all masochist?
If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
If meteorologists study the weather, who studies meteors?
If Milli Vanilli falls in the forest does someone else make a sound?
If mind expanding drugs are such a problem in schools these days how come all the kids don't get better grades?
If models are the ideal look why do so few people look like them? Who decided what was the ideal? If everyone was the ideal would things ever come to an end? After all there'd be no fat lady to sing, right?
If money doesn't grow on trees why do banks have branches?
If monkeys are more intelligent than parakeets, why can parakeets speak but monkeys can't?
If most of the world is insane, wouldn't asylums be Sanctuaries for the Mentally Stable?
If Murphy's Law were true whenever you tried to take a breath wouldn't all the air be on the other side of the room?
If native North Americans made a raw fish dinner, would it be called Souix-shi?
If necessity is the mother of invention, is laziness the mother of efficiency?
If no cat has eight tails and a cat has one tail more than no cat doesn't this mean that a cat has nine tails?
If no man is an island is no large group of men an archipelago?
If no one asked stupid questions, nothing stupid would ever get answered.
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If one of JoJo's psychic advisors was going to quit, wouldn't JoJo already know and fire her? Or would she even hire her?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest of them have to drown too?
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
If our country has the best technology, how come half of the country can't figure out how to program a VCR?
If Palm was testing software, would that program be a Palm Pilot pilot?
If past history was all there was to the game, wouldn't the richest people be librarians?
If peanut butter cookies are made with peanut butter, what are Girl Scout cookies made with?
If people are held hostage at Gun Point so often, why do they keep going there?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If politicians are not crooks why do they get diplomatic immunity?
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid?
If Pringles are so good that "once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a reseallable lid?

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