Sanity is boring.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
Sauntering to the tune of a different accordionist.
Save a cow-- eat a vegetarian.
Save the trees, wipe your butt with a spotted owl.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Save time: see it my way.
Save water-Shower with your girlfriend.
Scientists tell us that in the beginning there was nothing. They then try to make us believe the Big Bang Theory. Are they trying to tell us that nothing exploded?
Screw the planet, save yourself.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Seeger's Law: Anything in parentheses can be ignored. Corolary: (True in all cases.)
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
September is National Chicken Month. Now does that come before or after National Egg Month?
Sex can wait; masturbate.
Sex is hereditary: If your parents didn't have any, neither will you.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Shakespeare was Bard to the bone.
She had a boyfriend with a broken leg, but broke it off.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
Shit happens, carry a shovel.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for $1.50 cents at the bowling alley.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Should SWAT teams enforce no-fly zones?
Should we be avoiding mailmen since they're carriers? And what will we catch? Bills?
Should wives put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
Should you ever lend money to a friend for plastic surgery?
Should you let your education go to your head?
Should you tell a hypochondriac he looks terrible just to make him feel better?
Should you trust your stockbroker if he's married to a travel agent?
Shouldn't a self-addressed stamped envelope address itself?
Shouldn't there be just one Siamese twin?
Shouldn't we all remember that nobody is worth your tears? Anybody who is would never make you cry, right?
Shouldn't you always buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes? After all, if you're not in one, you're in the other, right?
Shouldn't you always wait until you're sure that something can't come back before you're nostalgic about it?
Shouldn't you be 'armed' with an 'armgun' instead of a 'handgun?'
Shouldn't you be true to your teeth? If not then won't they be false to you?
Shouldn't you teach your toddler the difference between real and artificial plants before you teach them to water the plants?
Shouldn't you keep a song in your heart because it's like kareoke for the voices in your head?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off!
Show me the people who control the land, money, and weapons, and I'll show you the people in charge.
Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "OUT TO LUNCH - THINK IT OVER."
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
Sign on locked store: "In bathroom. Back in a flush."
Sign outside the Fountain of Youth Health Spa in Salt Lake City: "Are You Fat And Ugly? Do You Want To Be Just Ugly? Memberships Available Now."
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Since AOL and Time-Warner merged, shouldn't they be called AWOL?
Since half of what we know today will be obsolete in five years, and we forget half of what we know in five years, it is all to possible that the two halves will in no way overlap.
Since the Olympic Flame originates in Athens, Greece, and the 2004 Olympics will be in Athens, Greece, is it going to go completely around the world or just across town?
Since the Pope took the name John Paul, will his successor be Ringo George?
Since there are over 200 different viruses that cause the common cold is it possible to catch several colds at the same time? And if you did would they battle each other until your cold was gone?
Since there are so many legal ways to be dishonest, why would anyone resort to a life of crime?
Since there is a speed of light and a speed of sound is there a speed of smell?
Since we breath it day in and day out, is it reasonable to say we're addicted to oxygen?
Since we have self-cleaning ovens and frost-free freezers, would a self-cleaning bathtub be too much to ask for?
Skarstad's Observation: You will never find any more loose change than you have already lost.
Slackers Unite! Tomorrow.
Smile - things may get worse slower.
Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.
SMILE! It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson - the ultimate point-and-click user interface.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
So how long have you been mute? "---"
So how many joggers do you think showed up at the Y to sign up for the 2K they've heard so much about?
So I bought me a pad of writing paper. How long do I have to wait before it starts writing?
So if you want to disarm a bomb, which wire do you REALLY cut? Red or blue? It's different in every movie, isn't it? And how come they always choose the right one?
So is violence safe as long as it is not random?
So just when is it that Arnold will be back?
So they have Braille on the drive up ATM machines. Just how do they expect a blind person to know what's on the screen?
So what's the speed of dark?
So you're a feminist... Isn't that cute!
So, is getting caught between a rock and a SOFT place any better?
So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever remember his Bible?
Society will ignore any form of irrational behavior except getting in the 10-item express lane with 12 items.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Some choose the road less traveled. Some choose the hamster wheel.
Some days, it's just not worth crawling out of the primordial ooze.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge...others just gargle.
Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy...in a jar on my desk.
Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
Some things you should never do, like buying Hitler an easy-bake oven.
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Someone is going to be very disappointed when they find out that the Supreme Court is just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Someone once asked me if I was religious. I told him that I was non sequitur.
Someone told me "make yourself a sandwich." If I could make myself a sandwich, I wouldn't make myself a sandwich. I'd make myself a billionaire.
Something tells me that you're very special ... but with medication I can usually ignore it.
Sometimes I think everyone in the world is retarded except for me; then I realize, "Nope. It's just me."
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
Sometimes it seems that the light of your life comes from the bulb in your refrigerator.
Sometimes just a few hours of trial and error debugging can save minutes of reading manuals.
Sometimes you don't choose your paths; sometimes, they choose you.
Somewhere over the Rainbow there's a hole in the ozone layer.
Sooner or later doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Speak softly and carry a sidearm.
Standing on head/ Makes smile of frown,/ But rest of face/ Also upside-down!
Stationary stores are the safest place to be during an earthquake.
Sticks and stones will break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Study art and logic - learn to draw your own conclusions.
Stupid, n.: Losing $25 on the game and $25 more on the instant replay.
Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward.
Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Sudden prayers make God jump.
Support medical examiners. Die strangely.
Support safe housing; use condos.
Support strip mining: Prevent forest fires!
Suppose you were an idiot...And suppose you were a member of Congress...But I repeat myself.
Sure love is grand, but isn't divorce a hundred grand?
Sure money isn't everything, right? Isn't there always credit cards, money orders, and traveler's checks?
Sure Rome wasn't built in a day but it burnt in a day didn't it?
Sure there are things in the sky that we can't identify but that doesn't mean they're space aliens though does it? After all aren't there things in your refrigerator that you can't identify? Would this mean they're space alien leftovers?
Sure, doing a job right the first time gets the job done, but doesn't doing the job wrong fourteen times give you job security?
Sure, it's easy to take one day at a time, but what do you do when several days attack you all at once?
Sure, the pesticide DDT is going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.
Sure, the world has to have its share of stupid people, but why do so many of them have to be around me?
Sure, there's lots of good fish in the sea. But who wants to go out with a fish?
Survive first, then do the long-term planning
Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying.
Synonyms are something you use when you can't spell the other word.
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
Take the male end of a cord and put it in the female end of a cord. You get just one cord. Shouldn't you get many cords?
Taking a hamster to the vet is like taking a disposable lighter in for repairs.
Taste makes waist.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either.
Teachers: Your propaganda is working. My elementary school son is convinced his teacher works 24 hours a day and makes less than minimum wage.
Telekinetics tell us that they can bend a spoon just by staring at it all day. Why don't they just pick the stupid thing up and bend it with their hands?
Tell a man there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you; tell him the paint's wet and he has to touch it.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Tell me why the ivy twines/ Tell me why the sun does shine/ Tell me why the sky is blue/ Tell me why I'm asking you.
That that is is not that that is not.
That was Zen, this is Tao.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
The Americans spent $10 million developing a pen that would write in space. The Russians used a pencil.
The art of prophecy is very difficult, especially with respect to the future.
The average woman would rather have beauty over brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
The best way to find a missing sharp object is to walk around the house in the dark with bare feet.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The best way to prevent a hangover is to stay drunk.
The better job you do, the more work you can expect to be handed.
The birth of Jesus is celebrated on the same day every year (Christmas), so how come the day he died (Easter) changes every year?
The buck doesn't even slow down here!
The call it PMS because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
The cheapest way to make money is to press Shift and 4 at the same time.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The competition at a local dog show was quite ruff.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
The cutest kittens have the sharpest claws.
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck will be the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
The days of good English has went.
The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.
The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten!
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The early bird wishes he'd let someone else get up first!
The early fish gets hooked for the same thing that the early bird gets credit for.
The Earth is like a grain of sand, only bigger.
The economy depends on economists about as much as the weather does on forecasters.
The egg must have come first, because God hadn't invented styrofoam containers by the fifth day.
The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name.
The flogging will continue until morale improves.
The function of the eyelash is to keep dust and other foreign matter out of the eye. So why is it that the majority of stuff that gets in my eyes are eyelashes? Why don't the other eyelashes try to stop them?
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The grate in front of my fireplace has metal handles. Why? It's right next to a fire!
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with someone tying your shoelaces together.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with wondering if you left the sink running.
The journey of a thousand miles starts with one step, so does a journey of five hundred miles start with a half step?
The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train.
The lion and the lamb may lie down together but the lamb won't get much sleep.
The man who fell into a glass grinder made a spectacle of himself.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
The man who ran into a screen door strained himself.
The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed.
The more I learn about terrorism, the better I understand the phone company.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
The moving cursor writes, and, having written, blinks on.
The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does
The nuclear missile has made one great contribution to democracy: with it, all men are cremated equal.
The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please divide by 0 and try again.
The odds of winning the lottery are so infinitesimal that buying a ticket does not measurably increase your chances of winning.
The oldest living person, according to the newspaper, died recently. So, does this mean that there is no oldest living person any more?
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
The only government handout I want is the government's hand out of my pocket.
The only other cure for insomnia is the realization that it is time to get up.
The only reason there is no excuse for procrastination is that everyone puts it off.
The only reason you are alive is because it's illegal to kill you.
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The origin of the work 'politics' is composed of the Greek 'poli,' meaning 'many,' and the English 'tics,' meaning blood sucking parasites.
The other day I saw a news broadcast of a hurricane about to hit the coast and it was signed for the hearing impaired. Wouldn't the most appropriate signing to tell people that the hurricane is coming be to just flail the arms about frantically and runaway to safety?
The other half of the battle is death and destruction.
The Pillsbury Dough Boy turns 30 this year. Do we give him a cake for his birthday? Isn't that cannibalism?
The possibility of receiving exactly what you ask for at any given moment is inversely related to how much you really need it.
The problem with reality is the lack of background music.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The Queue Principle: The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.
The quickest way of ending a war is to lose it.
The quickest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time.
The reason people don't like subtitled foreign films is that their lips get tired before the end of the movie.
The reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad girls live.
The road to success is marked with many inviting parking spaces.
The Scarecrow got a brain, the Tin Man got a heart, the Cowardly Lion got courage, and Dorothy got home, but what did Toto get?
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
The secret of success is sincerity. If you can fake that, you can do anything.
The sentence "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
The shortest distance between two jokes is a straight line.
The shortest distance between two points is always under construction.
The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The Spelunking Principle: The light at the end of the tunnel is a train.
The state legislature raises the alcohol in a beer to 14 percent and wants to lower the blood alcohol limit to .08 percent. Now you can get legally drunk on one beer. Go figure.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat; it's watching what other people eat.
The trick to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
The trouble with experience as a teacher is that the test comes first and the lesson after.
The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing; and then they marry him.
The Truth is out there. So what are you doing here?!
The two most common elements in the universe are helium and stupidity.
The Winter Olympics has the luge so why can't the Summer Olympics have a huge waterslide race?
The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And though I never forgot it, I never memorized it either. So all I remember is the memory of remembering something I can't remember.
The word "prefix" has no suffix, but "suffix" has a prefix.
The world gets a little better every day, and a little worse every evening.
The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
The worst thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship bureau].
The wrapping on one candle gave the instruction: 'To Extinguish Candle, Blow Out The Flame.' Is this really necessary? Should they be selling candles to people who don't know this?
The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest: you are always asked to do things, but you're not decrepit enough to turn them down.
The Young always have the same problem: how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another.
Therapy is expensive; poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
There are 129,600 one degree points on a sphere, and therefore there are 129,600 points in which a spoon can squirt grapefruit. Then why does the juice almost invariably fly straight into the human eye?
There are 365 days in a year yet there are 52 weeks consisting of 7 days each which equals 364 days. Where does that extra day go? And then there are leap years!
There are better things you can be doing instead of this. Go ride a bike. Go fly a kite. Go play in the parkYou're still here, huh? Good. I have trained you well.
There are easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree for instance.
There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.
There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.
There are pores in a latex condom one micron in diameter. The HIV virus is ½ a micron in diameter. So what's all this crap about Safe Sex?
There are some songs that are called 'live recordings,' but if a song was really live then it couldn't be a recording, could it?
There are three rules for successfully managing people: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
There are two kinds of pedestrians--the quick and the dead.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Number 1: Never tell everything you know.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
There are two somethin's in a beaut, four beauts in a lulu, eight lulus in a doozy, and 16 doozies in a humdinger. Nobody knows how many humdingers there are in a lollapalooza.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There are two things a man can't endure for long-a rock in his shoe and someone fooling around with his wife.
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had many of them.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.
There is but an inch of difference between the cushioned chamber and the padded cell.
There is no "I" in team, but if you screw up, there is a "Me."
There is no cure for birth or death save to enjoy the interval.
There is no excuse for procrastinating, but that's just because I haven't thought of one yet.
There is no greater motivation than procrastination.
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
There is no reason for it, it's just our policy.
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
There is only one truth and this is it.
There's a fine line between insanity and stupidity...and I like to straddle it.
There's a moment coming. Not yet. Not yet. Not yeeettt...Damn! Missed it!
There's just something wrong about cheese "wizzing" from a can.
There's no place like here.
There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.
There's no such thing as nonexistence.
There's nothing funnier than a fat gay Asian 6th-grade boy.
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not a fence.
There's always going to be people marching to the beat of their own dented drum who reject the concept of logical thought. And those people are always going to end up in front of you in line at the DMV.
These days humans have a greater chance of being shot than the average wild animal.
They call it an amusement park but I have to stand in line. And stand and stand and stand. I am not amused.
They say a good comedian has to have good timing. Would it be considered bad timing if they rang you up at 3 a.m. to tell you a brilliant new joke?
They say it takes a snail eight days to travel one mile, right? So how come something that moves that slow can manage to devour an entire tomato plant overnight?
They say Jesus Saves but wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
They say that every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Shouldn't we be trying to find this woman and stop her?
They say that every man reaps what he sows. Why does this not apply to the amateur gardener?
They say that everyone has an evil twin. What if you're the evil one and there's a good you walking around somewhere?
They say that flying is safer than driving. If that's so then why do you never see a life insurance vending machine at the bus station?
They say that garbage can be made into fuel. Why not? Isn't it already made into books, movies and TV shows?
They say that if a man is bald at the front he is a thinker and that if he is bald at the back he is handsome. If this is so then if he is bald from front to back does he just think he's handsome?
They say that if you don't do it you'll never know what would have happened if you had done it but if you actually do it you wouldn't know what would have happened if you didn't do it, right?
They say that man descended from apes, right? But didn't the Welsh come from Wales?
They say that money talks. Why is it that all mine ever says is goodbye?
They say that some people march to a different drummer, but how many people polka?
They say there are some things man was not meant to know. How do we know this?
They say truth hurts, right? But what hurts more? The searching after or the running from?
They say we're not suppose to put all of our eggs in one basket, right? So how come we never see people rolling twelve shopping carts out of the grocery store?
They say you can't run away forever, but is there anything wrong with getting a good head start?
They say you can't take it with you but what if IT really wants to go?
They say you have one mouth and two ears so that you say only half of what you hear. Is it the same for your eyes, feet, and nostrils?
They say youth is wasted on the young...in your case, so is food and oxygen.
They should make a cereal full of only toys.
They tell us it rains to make the grass and flowers grow. If that's so then why does it rain on the sidewalk?
They tell us that we can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar but who the heck wants a whole bunch of flies anyway?
They that don't know they don't know, just don't know.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
Think of the biggest number you can. Imagine that many Twinkies. Now add five. Then imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more Twinkies than the biggest number of Twinkies you could come up with!
Third rate Reporters--Giving you the first degree the second it happens.
This is a rip-off! These thoughts aren't worth a penny each!
This is not the life I ordered.
This isn't an office (or school). It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
This sentence no verb.
Thoreau's Law: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.
Those nicotine patches work pretty well, but I hear it's hard to keep the suckers lit.
Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Those who learn from their mistakes are wise, those who learn from the mistakes of others usually laugh in the process.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Those who think they're perfect are very annoying to those of us who really are.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Three can keep a secret, it two are dead.
Three statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital is called one I.V. League
Tiefright (TY fryt) - n. The fear that no matter which way you turn the twist-tie on a loaf of bread, it is the wrong direction.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit lies like an orange.
Time heals all wounds, which I guess is why you have to sit in the waiting room for so long.
Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
Time is running out! It's twenty minutes later than it was twenty minutes ago!
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.
Time to wok the cat.
Time waits for no man, unless you have a back button.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To attract a man, wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
To be P.C., shouldn't single people be instead "spousally-challenged?"
To err is human. To keep erring is just stupid.
To err is human. To really foul things up requires computers.
To err is human; to moo, bovine.
To flee, or not to flee, that is the question of the refugee.
To identify some crash victims, they have to identify them by their dental records, right? But if they don't know who the victim is, how do they know who their dentist is?
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.
To save money if you are stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic should you turn your engine off and let the other cars push you?
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
To talk without thinking is to shoot without aiming.
To understand recursion, you must first understand recursion.
Today is the last day of some of your life.
Today is the Tomorrow you worried about Yesterday. Was it worth it?
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held it's ground.
Toes: Devices for finding furniture in the dark.
Tofu: The Spam of the vegetable kingdom.
Tongue Depressors: They depress your tongue because there's no popsicle on them.
Tonight's forecast: dark. Lighter by morning.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Too much money is like too much sex. It can happen, but it never has.
Tourists are terrorists with cameras. Terrorists are tourists with guns.
Toys are made in heaven, batteries are made in hell.
Treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.
Trespassers will be shot -- survivors will be shot again!
Twice five syllables/ Plus seven can't say much but/ That's Haiku for you
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Two heads are not better than one, if both are stupid.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Two wrongs don't make a right, no matter how hard you try.
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite.
Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins, you can't imagine the smell.
Variables won't; constants aren't.
Vegetables aren't food. Vegetables are what food eats.
Veni, Vedi, Visa - I came, I saw, I shopped.
Veni, vidi, velcro. I came, I saw, I stuck around.
Venonv's Laws of Life: You can't win. You can't break even. You can't even quit the game.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Vique's Law: A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
Visualize whirled peas.
Vote Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Vuja De: The feeling that somehow, someway, nothing like this has ever happened before.
Wake up with a smile on your face -- sleep with a coathanger in your mouth.
Walk-in closets scare me. I mean, if a closet walked in on you, you'd be scared too.
Wanna get really stoned? Drink wet cement.
WANTED! Meaningful overnight relationship.
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Was Betty Crocker a flour child?
Was Robinson Crusoe the only man who ever got all his work done by Friday?
Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower?
Was today really necessary?
Wax paper was originally designed to be waterproof Kleenex.
Waxman's Law: Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
We all know who painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel but who did the floor?
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
We are lucky to have C-SPAN. Not many nations can watch their government inaction.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
We do precision guesswork.
We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child, eventually.
We have a strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful; or should it be that I'm strange and you're wonderful?
We have all seen those signs "New and Used Antiques." What qualifies as a "new antique?"
We have crude oil so why don't we have cultured oil?
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
We longed for the patter of little feet, so we got a dog. It was cheaper than a baby and it had more feet.
We make cheese from the milk of mammals, so could you have whales milk cheese?
We read that volunteers fill sandbags to keep floods at bay, but who empties the sandbags when the flood is over? And where do they put all the sand?
We three were quite the duo.
We're all amateurs; just some of us are more professional about it.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million keyboards will eventually reproduce the works of Shakespeare. Hasn't the Internet now proven that this is not true?
Wear sleeveless shirts! Support your right to bare arms!
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross references.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Were Pavlov's dogs part of the Salivation Army?
Were the Russians worried about their seven years bad luck when the MIR broke up?
Were we better off when charity was a virtue instead of a tax deduction?
Wet birds don't fly backwards at night over Tuson.
What a hotel: The towels were so big and fluffy, you could hardly close your suitcase.
What a nice night for an evening.
What about those signs that read 'Speed Limit Enforced by Aircraft?' What do they do? Drop a bomb on you if you go to fast?
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
What are clams so happy about?
What are monsters afraid of?
What boots up must crash down.
What can you do when you live in a shoe? Just dig a hole and live in the sole.
What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive?
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What did moths congregate around before light bulbs were invented?
What did people avoid things like before the plague?
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? Dam!
What do batteries run on?
What do birds see when they get knocked unconscious?
What do butterfly's feel when they're in love?
What do night watchmen watch? It's dark; what's there to see?
What do nudist colonies do during the winter?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do people in Greece say when they don't understand something?
What do they do with the caffeine left over when they decaffeinate coffee?
What do they do with the rest of the lobster when restaurants serve lobster tails?
What do U think the difference is between color and colour?
What do wildlife preserves taste like?
What do you call a female daddy long legs?
What do you call a female daddy long legs?
What do you call a person that has every illness BUT hypochondria?
What do you call a person who hates bigots?
What do you call a UFO after it has landed?
What do you call male ballerinas?
What do you do if you can't stand the heat and you're not in the kitchen?
What do you do if you want to quit smoking but the drugstore refuses to sell you the patch because you're under 21?
What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
What do you do when you run out of cheeks to turn?
What do you do when you step up and the bull has no horns?
What do you get when cross The Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand
What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon?
What does 'it' mean in the sentence 'What time is it?'?
What does Dennis Rodman consider weird?
What does I.O.U. stand for?
What does I.O.U. stand for?
What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbit's foot?
What does Queen Elizabeth sing during the British national anthem? "God save me?"
What ever happened to Jukeboxes? What is a Juke anyway? And why were they kept in boxes?
What exactly are 'reindeer games' anyway?
What exactly are low-salt saltines?
What exactly is "midair?" Is there another part of air besides the middle?
What flavor is the U.S. Mint?
What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
What goes click-click click-click Did-I-get-it? : A blind man doing a Rubik's Cube.
What Goes Clop-Clop-Clop, Bang-Bang, Clop-Clop-Clop? An Amish drive-by shooting.
What good is being punctual if nobody's there to appreciate it?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
What happened to the first 6 "UP"s?
What happens if an unstoppable force meets up with an immovable object?
What happens if you go into a general store and ask for something specific?
What happens if you put a slinky on an escalator?
What happens if you take No-Doze and wash it down with Nyquil?
What happens if you Xerox a mirror?
What happens to used gravity?
What happens when a frozen food company goes into liquidation?
What happens when fish trip?
What happens when none of your bees wax?
What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect?
What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect?
What happens when you tell a standing committee to be seated?
What happens when your fortune cookie contradicts your horoscope?