Why do we table a plan in order to plan a table?
Why do we tell people to go ahead and backup? Which way do we really want them to go? Forward or backward?
Why do we use answering machines to screen our calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone who we didn't want to talk to in the first place?
Why do we use the phrase "recorded earlier?" Is there ANY other time to record something?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do women wear evening gowns at night? Shouldn't they be called nightgowns?
Why do Workaholics Anonymous have meetings? Isn't one more meeting just the opposite of what a workaholic needs?
Why do world heavyweight boxing champions need bodyguards?
Why do you fluff up goose down?
Why do you get round from eating square meals?
Why do you have to take a test with a No. 2 pencil? Would you get marked down if you used a No. 3 instead? Is No. 2 a monopoly? Should the Federal government investigate? Could this be pencilgate?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when it's illegal to drink and drive?
Why do you need I.D. to get I.D.? And if you already had I.D., why would you need I.D.?
Why do you only go out for spaghetti while wearing a white shirt?
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
Why does a cowboy wear two spurs? If one side of the horse goes surely the other side does too doesn't it?
Why does a funeral start with fun?
Why does a knife that is too dull to cut anything else always cut your finger?
Why does a mirror reflect words backwards but when you shout the same words at a mountain they're echoed correctly?
Why does a necessary item go on sale only after you have purchased it at the regular price?
Why does a woman work for years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?
Why does an alarm clock go off when it goes on?
Why does AT&T advertise 'Reach Out and Touch Someone' when that's the one thing you can't do with a phone?
Why does bottled water have an expiration date?
Why does class always seem to go by quickly until you glance at your watch and notice that ten minutes are left? Exactly what makes those ten minutes so much longer than the other fifty?
Why does every tree seem to have one stubborn leaf that won't let go?
Why does everyone suddenly decide to call whenever you put on a good movie?
Why does everyone think there is a secret to success? Have you ever met a successful person who didn't tell you all about it?
Why does everything but eggs taste like chicken?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why does food that tastes the best have the highest number of calories?
Why does genius have its limits but stupidity goes on and on?
Why does ginger ale (and other relatively clear sodas) come in green bottles?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Why does grass smell only when you mow it?
Why does hail always have to be the size of something else such as a golf ball or a baseball? Why can't it just be hail sized hail?
Why does it seem that everyone has a scheme that will not work?
Why does it take three Charlie's Angels to do what one James Bond can do?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, "Oh my gosh...I could be eating a slow learner."
Why does Swiss cheese have the holes when its Limburger that needs the ventilation?
Why does the Bureau of Statistics always give out different death rates for each country? Isn't it always just one per person everywhere?
Why does the cable always go out in a wind storm if the cable is buried in the ground?
Why does the Christmas season always come when the stores are at their busiest?
Why does the computer auto-save while you are trying to delete?
Why does the grass that grows along the edge of the Boulevard, the same grass that gets covered in noxious fumes and only mowed twice a year, look better than the grass in your backyard, the same grass you painstakingly labor over, fertilize, and religiously water?
Why does the National Association for Mental Telepathy have a doorbell?
Why does the NRA want hunters to be able to carry armor piercing ammo? Are deer being issued flack vests?
Why does the phone ring when you call the Psychic Hotline?
Why does the Secret Service hold press conferences?
Why does the sun make skin darker and hair lighter?
Why does the sun on the Raisin Bran cereal box wear sunglasses?
Why does trouble always come at the wrong time?
Why does your favorite song always come on the radio right when you get out of your car?
Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?
Why doesn't coffee taste the way it smells?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why doesn't manure come from a bull and womure come from a cow?
Why doesn't someone invent Beerguard? How often does someone actually spill scotch on the carpet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
Why doesn't the Washington Monument look like George?
Why doesn't vomit taste good? It did to start with didn't it?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why doesn't anyone bottle water in Summer, Fall, or Winter?
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
Why doesn't flatulence appear as a white puff (or puffs as the case may be) in cold weather, like your breath does?
Why don't "Minimalists" find a shorter name for themselves?
Why don't bad guys ever wear bulletproof vests?
Why don't outhouse and outbuilding mean the same thing?
Why don't Psychic hotlines call you right before you call them?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why don't they call female astronauts, astronettes?
Why don't they call the "Bionic Woman" the "$6 million" woman?
Why don't they call the battle between Microsoft and the U.S. Government "Gatesgate?"
Why don't they have a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's a knob called `brightness' but it doesn't work.
Why don't they just call 7-11 stores 18's?
Why don't they make highways out of rubber and tires out of concrete? Wouldn't that be safer?
Why don't they make prescription windshields?
Why don't we have dessert at breakfast?
Why don't they sell records at a record store?
Why give her diamonds? She won't LIVE forever.
Why give the temperature of the airport? No one lives there!
Why is 'brassiere' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why is 'dyslexic' so hard to spell?
Why is 'Superhero' one word but 'Super Villain" two?
Why is "Living the good life," and "Living a good life," not the same thing?
Why is "speech impediment" four syllables long?
Why is a black light not black?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why is a fly called a fly and a fish not a swim?
Why is a person who plays the piano call a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar not called a racist?
Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet?
Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet?
Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?
Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?
Why is backyard commonly written as one word while front yard is usually presented as two words?
Why is coffee without cream and sugar called 'Black'? Isn't coffee brown?
Why is he called the Lone Ranger? Isn't Tonto always with him?
Why is it called 'after dark' when it's really after light?
Why is it called 'head-over-heels in love' when head over heels is our normal position?
Why is it called a 'bust' when it stops right before that part?
Why is it called a "hysterectomy" and not a herstectomy?
Why is it called a flashlight if the light it emits is steady?
Why is it called Grey Poupon when it's really yellow?
Why is it called health insurance if you don't use it till you're sick?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it called Scotland Yard if it's not in Scotland?
Why is it called the Department of the Interior, when everything it's in charge of is outdoors?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it funnier for a guy to dress like a girl than it is for a girl to dress like a guy?
Why is it legal for men to be floorwalkers but illegal for women to be streetwalkers?
Why is it new and improved? If it's new how can it be an improvement of something and if it's improved how can it be something new?
Why is it no matter how terrible the storm may be they always send some hapless reporter out into it to tell you just how bad it is?
Why is it okay if a lawyer exposes his briefs but if we do it we get arrested for indecent exposure?
Why is it 'Peeping Tom,' 'Tom Cat,' 'Doubting Thomas,' 'Tom Boy,' 'Tom Thumb,' etc.? What did poor Tom ever do to deserve this?
Why is it rain drops, but snow falls?
Why is it so hard to clean a soap dish?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell 'mnemonic?'
Why is it that a highway map never folds back the same way?
Why is it that a man will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants but a woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item she doesn't need?
Why is it that a woman marries a man expecting he will change but he doesn't and a man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does?
Why is it that alcohol can decontaminate a cut in a finger but an infected finger can contaminate a bottle of alcohol?
Why is it that all the aliens in Star Trek speak English, even when there are no humans about? And how do 'new species' manage to learn English on their planet? And why is English spoken everywhere? Were the other languages wiped out?
Why is it that anything dropped in the bathroom always falls in the toilet?
Why is it that at a meeting minutes are kept but the hours are lost?
Why is it that car commercials know which old songs were good but oldies radio stations don't?
Why is it that cats always appear on your lap just as you are about to get up?
Why is it that children become adults three years before their parents think they do and about two years after they think they do?
Why is it that children seldom misquote you? In fact they usually repeat word by word what you shouldn't have said.
Why is it that during the Industrial Revolution the workers all dreamed about school and now all the students dream about work?
Why is it that Economics is the only field in which two people can get a Nobel Prize for saying exactly the opposite thing?
Why is it that every road gang always gives the flagman job to the fat guy?
Why is it that every time I subscribe to a magazine for two years, I get a renewal notice in six months?
Why is it that everybody with curly hair wants straight hair and vice versa? It's also the same with color and thickness, isn't it?
Why is it that general solutions to specific problems become specific problems requiring general solutions?
Why is it that going by the TV news these days the greatest threats to American society are immigrants, religious zealots, and gun owners? Wasn't the American society founded by a group of immigrant religious zealots with guns?
Why is it that I can't catch a snow flake on my tongue but can catch umpteen many in my ear?
Why is it that in Cricket you can play the same game for 5 days and yet the game still ends in a draw?
Why is it that in our society it is normal to be sick yet sick to be abnormal?
Why is it that in the movies a single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium?
Why is it that in the movies any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds unless it's the door to a burning building with a child inside?
Why is it that in the movies it is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting?
Why is it that in the movies the Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris?
Why is it that insurance always seems to cover everything except what happens?
Why is it that it seems to take forever to find a girlfriend, and then when you do all sorts of other girls want to be your girlfriend too?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Why is it that most people are just dumb enough to believe you when you tell them how smart they are?
Why is it that news reporters tell you that a person was 'shot dead?' Weren't they really shot alive? If they were already dead when they were shot then it doesn't really matter, does it?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Why is it that nothing ever fits back into it's box after you have taken it out?
Why is it that on juice cartons they put the words 'Serve Ice Cold?' How else would you serve ice?
Why is it that one of the best places to be alone is in a crowd?
Why is it that people can't turn on their blinker when making a simple turn, but somehow leave it on for miles on the highway?
Why is it that phone company commercials are always telling us to call and save money? Wouldn't we be saving more money if we didn't call at all?
Why is it that shoes have tongues and soles? They aren't human, are they?
Why is it that the average person thinks he isn't?
Why is it that the less important you are in a company the more your tardiness or absence is noticed?
Why is it that the more specific a topic you attempt to search for on the Web the more useless and irrelevant responses you will find?
Why is it that the most expensive watches that guarantee seconds-per-year accuracy have no numbers on their dial face? How are you supposed to tell what minute it is? Let alone what second?
Why is it that the number pad on the telephone starts with the low numbers at the top, but on a calculator or a computer number pad, the low numbers start at the bottom?
Why is it that the only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom?
Why is it that the only time your spouse will listen and pay strict attention to every word you say is when you talk in your sleep?
Why is it that the people that talk the most have the least to say?
Why is it that the worse the haircut the slower it grows out?
Why is it that there's a big difference between good, sound reasons and reasons that sound good?
Why is it that those who have the shortest distance to travel invariably arrive latest?
Why is it that to stop Windows95 you have to click on "Start?"
Why is it that two people who do not understand each other, and at least understand that they do not understand each other, and understand that they understand each other better than when not understanding each other, can not even understand that they do not understand each other?
Why is it that we all go on vacations to forget things and when we finally open our suitcases we realize that's just exactly what we've done?
Why is it that we can put a man on the moon, but we still can't put metal in the microwave?
Why is it that we demand speed laws that will stop fast driving but we won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour?
Why is it that we sit in front of our TV and behind our computer?
Why is it that we'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time?
Why is it that when a man has the mind of a child they lock him up yet children are allowed to roam free?
Why is it that when dogs leap onto your bed it's because they adore you but when cats leap onto your bed it's because they adore your bed?
Why is it that when I take a long time doing something I'm slow but when my boss takes a long time he's being thorough? And when I don't do it I'm lazy but when my boss doesn't do it he's too busy?
Why is it that when men say something and do something else, they 'lied,' but when women do the same thing, they 'changed their mind?'
Why is it that when people go on a diet the first thing they lose is their patience?
Why is it that when someone knows more and more about less and less until they know absolutely everything about nothing are called experts?
Why is it that when someone says 'Got a minute?', you might as well pencil them in for the next two hours?
Why is it that when someone who has really bad handwriting writes you a note, the only part you can read is 'I hope you can read this note'?
Why is it that when the bad guy shoots at Superman he sticks out his chest and lets the bullets bounce off his chest, but when the bad guy throws the gun Superman ducks?
Why is it that when the stars are out they are visible but when the lights are out they are invisible?
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
Why is it that when what I want to do becomes what I have to do I don't want to do it any more?
Why is it that when women hold off from marrying men we call it independence but when men hold off from marrying women we call it fear of commitment?
Why is it that when you call a psychic hotline, they ask "What's the problem?"
Why is it that when you eat too much for lunch, you feel drowsy all afternoon, but when you eat a big meal in the evening, you stay awake all night?
Why is it that when you fall down, someone always comes up and says, "Did you fall down?"
Why is it that when you have the time you don't have the money yet when you have the money you don't have the time?
Why is it that when you pull into an empty parking lot the very next car parks right next to you?
Why is it that when you see people whispering you can always hear your name loud and clear?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why is it that when you try to wash dirt, instead of getting it clean, it just turns to mud?
Why is it that when you want to open a locked door and you only have one hand free the key will be in your opposite pocket?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is it that when you're taking an open-book test the teacher automatically fails you if he catches you copying your classmate's answer? Aren't you both supposed to have the same answer? And get it from the same place?
Why is it that whenever you go to put dirty dishes in the dishwasher the dishwasher is always full?
Why is it that whenever you let the cat out of the bag you usually wind up in the dog house?
Why is it that whenever you set out to do something something else must always be done first?
Why is it that with the most advanced technology that can send information around the world in the twinkling of an eye we use mostly for jokes and games? Doesn't this prove that laughter is the single most important item in human life? And doesn't this 'book' prove otherwise?
Why is it that you can comb through annals of history but not a single annal?
Why is it that you can receive a dressing down for not dressing up?
Why is it that you can throw a burnt match out the window of your car and start a forest fire but you can use two boxes of matches and a whole edition of the Sunday paper without being able to start a fire under the dry logs in your fireplace?
Why is it that you can't remember the time when asked five seconds after you've looked at your watch?
Why is it that you never see a fish mounted on a wall with it's mouth shut?
Why is it that you sit in front of your TV and behind your computer?
Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?
Why is it that, in politics, if someone leaves your party for another one, they're a traitor, but if someone leaves another party to join yours, they're a convert?
Why is it the worst weather of the year will happen on the first day you put down the top of your new convertible?
Why is it we feel dumb when we don't know the answer and totally stupid when we find out?
Why is it we never hear of a self-made woman?
Why is it you only hear about parallel universes? What about all of the perpendicular and adjacent universes?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is ketchup sold by weight and mayonnaise sold by volume?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing soap is made with real lemons?
Why is only one side of aluminum foil shiny?
Why is scoring three goals called a 'hat trick' in hockey?
Why is something redundant usually a bad thing, except in computers?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the amount of sleep needed by the average person always ten minutes more?
Why is the blackboard green?
Why is the healthiest food for you always the most expensive?
Why is the last word you see when leaving the airport on an airplane, 'Terminal?'
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the practice called "fasting" when time passes so slowly when you're doing it?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is the volume on the radio so high when you get in the car? It wasn't that loud when you got out.
Why is the warm fuzzy stuff on the OUTSIDE of the earmuffs?
Why is the word 'abbreviation' so long?
Why is the word 'little' bigger than the word 'big?'
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why is there a Braille edition of TV Guide?
Why is there always one in every crowd? If you took all the ones in every crowd and put them in another crowd will there be one in that crowd?
Why is there an eject button on the VCR remote? Don't you have to get up to get the tape?
Why is there never any lineups at the washrooms at a waterpark?
Why is there no minimum strength aspirin?
Why is there only one company making the game Monopoly?
Why isn't '2000' pronounced 'TOOO'?
Why isn't 'palindrome' a palindrome?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety-one?
Why isn't contest the opposite of protest?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn't the whole plane made of the same stuff the "Black Box" is made of?
Why isn't there a Salvation Navy?
Why isn't there a weight limit on Spandex?
Why isn't there any strawberry longcake or pineapple right-side-up cake?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why isn't French Toast made from French bread?
Why isn't lisp spelt "Lithp?"
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business," always be followed by, "but?"
Why on a can of powder baby formula, does it say 'Add water before feeding?' Did someone actually try to feed an infant powder through a bottle?
Why put off 'till tomorrow what you can do today? If you enjoy it today then you can enjoy it again tomorrow, right?
Why put off 'till tomorrow what you'll never do anyway?
Why should I pay $25 for a flu shot designed to give me a mild case of the flu, when I can get the real thing for free?
Why should we be politically correct when we can be right?
Why shouldn't we speak ill of the dead? They are the only people who can't sue us.
Why was dust created?
Why was there a sequel called "The Never Ending Story: Part II?" Shouldn't have been called "The Never Ending Story Continued?"
Why were so many famous Civil War battles fought in National Parks?
Why why put something in your toilet that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why would anyone choose to remain in a city that is so riddled with crime that it requires a superhero?
Why would anyone purchase that book called '1001 Names For Your Baby?' If you gave the kid that many names you'd never be able to remember them all would you?
Why would one purchase a new dictionary unless they had finished reading their old one?
Why would you want to take the high road or the low road when there's so many nice level roads to take?
Why, on a package of "Skin Guard Krazy Glue" does it say "Does not bond skin instantly," but RIGHT ON THE TUBE it says "WARNING: Eye irritant. Bonds skin instantly?"
Why, when I wind up my watch I start it, but when I wind up a project I end it?
Why, when you're 'making a living,' you're barely making enough to survive, but when you're 'making a killing,' you're making enough to really live?
Will a person with a clean desk ever know the sheer joy of finding something they thought they had lost forever?
Will all the rhetorical questions ever end?
Will combat pay ever become an incentive to boost teacher education?
Will eat for food.
Will Super Glue stick to Teflon?
Will we all die from drinking WATER? Since the day humans were on the Earth most who drank it have died.
Will Wendy's cartoonize Dave like KFC did with Colonel Sanders?
Window makers: A pane in the glass.
With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
With respect to Dutch Elm Disease, does anybody know if it's the elms or the disease that's Dutch?
With respect to Esperanto and Sona, aren't all languages man made?
Without geometry, isn't life pointless?
Women have better restrooms; they get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.
Women like quiet men because they think they are listening.
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
Women should not have children after 35. Really, 35 children is enough.
Won't he who knows that enough is enough, always have enough?
Won't health nuts feel real stupid someday when they're lying in a hospital dying of nothing?
Won't the Irish government always be wealthy since it's capital is always Dublin?
Work harder, millions on welfare depend on you.
Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much of your spare time.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Workers of the world arise! You have nothing to lose but your seats!
Would a blind tourist use a sightseeing eye dog?
Would a midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison be a small medium at large?
Would a nun who sleepwalks be called a roamin' Catholic?
Would a person who makes allegations be called an allegator?
Would a self-help group for compulsive talkers be called On & On Anon?
Would a war on poverty include bombing soup kitchens?
Would anyone need an index for a dictionary?
Would it be wise to never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you?
Would the guy who draws the pictures of suspects be referred to as a con artist?
Would the main cause of men's lying be the fact that women insist on asking too many questions?
Would the reason that a crow is a crow, be caws?
Would the reason that parents don't name their daughters 'Mom' be because no one would want to go to the prom with them?
Would you be breaking any laws if you didn't put the stamp in the little box that says "Place Stamp Here?"
Would you call an eye doctor who works in the islands off Alaska an Optical Aleutian?
Would you rather own a 'genuine imitation' or an 'authentic replica'?
Would you say that Adam and Eve had the ideal marriage? After all, he didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
Wouldn't a mall full of kids with nose rings and a high powered magnet spell hours of fun?
Wouldn't an advantage of living in a mobile home be in case it caught on fire you could meet the fire department half way?
Wouldn't it be frustrating to be a truck driver that hauls gas, and then run out of fuel?
Wouldn't it be fun to hook up the lights at a sporting arena to 'The Clapper?'
Wouldn't it be sorta funny if a tornado hit a wind chime factory?
Wouldn't the best time to exercise be in the morning before your brain figures out what you're doing?
Wouldn't the best way to keep a kitchen clean be to eat out?
Wouldn't the most enjoyable way to follow a vegetable diet be to let the cow eat it and then eat the cow?
Wouldn't the most famous and popular rock group of all time be Mount Rushmore?
Wouldn't the nicest thing about meditation be that it makes doing nothing seem quite respectable?
Wouldn't the safest place to be during an earthquake, be in a stationary store?
Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chip sign," have been clearer if quotation marks had been placed before Fish and between Fish and and and and and And and And and and and and and And and And and and and and and Chips as well as after Chips?
Wouldn't you know that the computer industry would shorten 'Year 2000' to 'Y2K?' Wasn't it this kind of thinking that caused the problem in the first place?
Wouldn't you like to see a railroad engineer waiting for a funeral procession of 120 slow moving cars to pass before HE can back out of HIS driveway?
Wouldn't the best way to solve a problem be to spend someone else's money?
Wouldn't the one thing you can learn by watching the clock be that it passes time by keeping its hands busy?
Wouldn't you love to be reincarnated as a cat? Then you could be fat, sassy, lazy, and loved none the same, right?
Wreckless driving - wouldn't you think that would be a good thing?
Writers of religious services write rite, and thus have the right to copyright the rite they write.
Wrongfully copying a copyrighted right copy is not right.
Xilouy's Rule: You can do anything except light a paper match on a marshmallow under water.
Ya gotta feel sorry for all them convicts in New Hampshire, stampin' out license plates that say "Live Free or Die."
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
Yes, I've heard of "decaf." What's your point?
Yesterday I knew nothing. Today I know that.
Yesterday upon the stair/ I met a man who wasn't there./ He wasn't there again today;/ I think he's from the CIA.
Yorba's Identity: If someone is flipping through a book, and they see a picture, they will stop and read the caption.
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can't fool mom.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on the underside of the couch when no one is looking.
You can't be late until you show up.
You can't have everything, because where would you put it all?
You can't judge a book by it's cover, but you can tell how much it's going to cost.
You can't win them all, but you sure can lose them all.
You don't have to ditch bad friends. Being around their dysfunction will make you feel better about yourself.
You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax; tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be misquoted then used against you.
You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 and we have no idea where she is.
You kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
You know how they can build computers according to what you want installed on it? Has anyone ever thought to ask for a cassette player?
You know you're getting old when your dog turns more heads than you do.
You know you're in a sleazy motel when it has hourly rates.
You know you've been spending too much time on the Internet when every colon appears as a pair of eyes: (see what I mean?)
You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my parking today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
You live and you learn -- or you don't live long.
You look like a million dollars; all green and wrinkled.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You never see old people eating at Taco Bell, I guess because if you eat at Taco Bell , you don't live to get old.
You wanna know what I hate?...Hold on...oh yeah! When what's his name says I have a bad memory.
You want AOL to rename Turner Field to AOL Field? How about LOL Field?
You would laugh if your granny's ass was on fire.
You! Off my planet!
You'll never be the man your mother was!
You're hotter than a flaming hemorrhoid and cooler than Preparation H.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding uphill through molasses in January in the middle of an Alaskan snowstorm.
Young at heart. Slightly older in other places.
Your debt is stuck when you can't budge it.
You're only as cold as you feel.
Zeno's paradox of the (still?) moving arrow: At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.