Thinkabouts 1501-2000

If pro is the opposite of con, is Progress the opposite of Congress?
If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?
If push really does come to shove, how come there aren't any doors with SHOVE signs on them?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
If Rin-Tin-Tin was made out of lighter metal, would he be called 'Rin-Aluminum-Aluminum?'
If schools want you to sit still and listen why do they have such hard, uncomfortable chairs?
If Scotty's so smart, how come every time the main power goes out on the Enterprise, Captain Kirk has to tell him to switch to auxiliary power?
If secondary smoke is worse than smoking, why quit?
If smoking is so bad for you, how come every pack has a silver lining?
If Snickers really satisfies then why do they make a King-size bar?
If somebody held a fancy dress party on an airplane could it be called a flight of fancy?
If somebody invents time travel, travels back in time when their younger self was there, and dies? Wouldn't their younger self die as well?
If someone asks you a stupid question, should you give them a stupid answer? And if you did, would they know the difference?
If someone got a Cheerio stuck in their windpipe would they still be able to breathe?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone is telling the truth and no one believes them is it really the truth?
If someone sneezes in church, should you say "God bless you," or is it implied?
If someone succeeded in digging a hole to China, wouldn't they be upside-down and fall out of the hole?
If someone wanted to give a speech on silence, what would they say?
If songs that make the top-40 are based on air time why don't we see our national anthem on the list?
If sound can't travel in a vacuum, how come vacuum cleaners make so much noise?
If squirrels hide nuts and dogs hide bones, just what is it that cats hide? And since we don't know, aren't they doing a better job at it than dogs and squirrels?
If stupidity can get you into a mess, then why can't it get you out?
If stupidity was painful, you'd be in a coma.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
If Tarzan has really lived in the jungle all his life, how come he can speak English?
If that thigh reducing cream all the women are raving about really works wouldn't you think it would shrink their hands too?
If the Americans actually won the Spanish-American War, how come they don't get top billing?
If the bearded lady gets into a car crash, is that a freak accident?
If the Boston Tea Party were to happen today, would it be renamed the Boston Nestea Party?
If the chemicals my lawn service uses are so safe, why is it that every time they treat my lawn, there's a new guy with a mask?
If the country was at war would you be better off if you lived in the city?
If the Energizer bunny was arrested, would he be charged with battery?
If the former ruler of Russia and his wife were called Tsar and Tsarina were their children called Tsardines?
If the game is called 'Final Fantasy', why did they have to make ten of them?
If the grass is greener on the other side, then if the guy on the other side is looking at me, does he think my grass is greener when his is the greenest? And if his IS greenest, how did he do it?
If the Jews are really the chosen people, then why did God put them on the only piece of land in the Middle East with no oil?
If the joke isn't funny, someone's laugh is.
If the Martial Arts student hasn't yet earned the right to a belt, can they wear suspenders?
If the past tense of take is took, does that mean the past tense of bake is book?
If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
If the plural of octopus is octopi and platypus is platypi, why is the singular of dice die?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If the product says 'Do not use if seal is broken' how are you supposed to open it and use it?
If the psychics really know the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working?
If the Red Coats had attacked with their eyes closed would they have been defeated?
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
If the shortest distance between two points is a line why does waiting in a line take so long?
If the show "Survivor" was truly reality-based, there would be a few deaths.
If the temperature today is 0 degrees and the weatherman says it will be twice as cold tomorrow what will the temperature be?
If the truth is out there, does anyone know the URL?
If the universe is constantly expanding how come I can't find a parking space?
If the universe is expanding, why can't I find a parking space?
If the universe is infinite, then wouldn't the average IQ be nearly zero? If so, I know some below average people.
If the whole world is a stage, and we must all play a part, could we get some new writers?
If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If the world is truly getting 'smaller' how come the postal rates keep going up?
If the World was cheese, we'd all truly be doomed.
If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle.
If there are 52 weeks in a regular year, how many are in a light year?
If there are some things that are impossible to know how is it possible to know that?
If there are two sides to every story why do supermarket tabloids always give the benefit of the doubt to the Space Aliens?
If there is a sign on a window saying "Keep Closed At All Times" why did they build the window?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If there were no chickens, what would everything taste like?
If there were no golf balls how would we measure hail?
If there were three witches watching three watches, which witch watches which watch?
If there's life after death are we going to die or have we died already?
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
If there's so much laborsaving machinery, why don't I have more free time?
If they're called leaves, and they drop in the fall, why can't we just leave them where they fall?
If this is the best of all possible worlds, what can the others be like?
If this is the land of the free why is someone always trying to sell me something?
If this makes sense to you, then you need more medication.
If time and space are relatives do we have to invite them to our family gatherings?
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
If time is of the essence what is the essence of time?
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?
If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, would it be twice as good as yesterday was?
If trailer parks didn't exist would tornadoes exist?
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
If trolls live under bridges, and your nose has a bridge, does that make your boogers trolls?
If truth is beauty, and beauty is truth, why do women wear make-up?
If two hermits decide to live together, are they still hermits?
If two musicians share a second-rate apartment are they in a b-flat?
If two people invest in a boat, would it be a partner-ship?
If two people look at each other and both say at the same time 'Are you thinking what I'm thinking?' then isn't the answer yes?
If two people who have call waiting on their phones both called each other at the same time what would happen?
If two silkworms entered a race, would they end up in a tie?
If two wrongs don't make a right why is it that two negatives make a positive?
If two wrongs don't make a right why stop there?
If UNICEF can give those children medication for only nine cents a day, why are my prescriptions so expensive?
If walking is so good for you why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut?
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices everyday, how come nothing in the store is free yet?
If water is heavier than air, how do clouds stay in the sky?
If we already know that Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, why do we ask how many pecks of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
If we are what we eat, then I'm fast, easy, and cheap.
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
If we didn't have mouths, would we talk out of our butts? Would we eat that way too?  How would we go to the bathroom, through our noses?
If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?---Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.
If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.
If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living.
If we get floatation devices in airplanes, why don't we get parachutes on the ferry?
If we have a belly button and can zip(per) our lips why can't we velcro our ears?
If we have nightmares what do horses have?
If we iron clothes we press them. If we wrinkle them again do we depress them? And if we ironed them again would we be repressing them?
If we quite voting will they all go away?
If we really did profit from mistakes there would be no Federal debt.
If we use our brain to remember it, why do we say we know it by heart?
If we were supposed to talk more than we listen, we'd have two mouths and one ear.
If we weren't meant to keep starting over, why did God give us Monday?
If we're not supposed to eat cows, then why did God make them out of beef?
If Webster made the first dictionary, how did he know what the definitions of the words were?
If white wine goes with fish do white grapes go with sushi?
If Wile E. Coyote could afford to buy all the stuff from ACME why didn't he just buy a meal?
If Windows is user-friendly, then why do you need to read a 672-page manual?
If winning isn't important then why do we keep score?
If women are so independent why do they go to the ladies room in pairs?
If x-rays aren't too deadly for the body why do the nurses all leave the room?
If yesterday were today would today be tomorrow?
If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
If you admit to yourself that you're going through denial are you cured?
If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got!
If you always look on the bright side of life will it hurt your eyes?
If you and your 15-year-old are equally adept at driving, maybe we should consider restricting your driving, too.
If you are a complete pessimist does that mean you are positively negative?
If you are a procrastinator would you get your birth mark when you were born?
If you are cross-eyed and dyslexic, can you write correctly?
If you are one in a million, does that mean that there are 6,337 of you?
If you are supposed to smoke in a smoking jacket and sleep in a sleeping bag then what are you supposed to do in a wind breaker?
If you are travelling faster than the speed of light would you have a shadow?
If you are walking North and turn left is that the opposite of walking South and turning right? If so then how come you wind up going in the same direction rather than the opposite direction?
If you are what you eat, does that make you dead meat?
If you aren't fired with enthusiasm you'll be fired with enthusiasm.
If you ask a Roman to put you up for the night will you be crucified?
If you ate alphabet soup and then got an x-ray, what would it say?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you ate your own foot would you lose weight?
If you bake a pie in an octagonal shape, would it be an octo-pie?
If you believe you can tell me what to think, I believe I can tell you where to go.
If you bought a CD entitled "The Worst of -----" and enjoyed it can you take it back and demand a refund?
If you bought a microwave fireplace could you spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes?
If you brewed decaffeinated coffee with caffeinated water, would you go mad?
If you broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats would the police have anything to go on?
If you buy prime property, does that mean you can't divide it?
If you call the paper to put an ad in should you not tell them about it because it's classified?
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
If you can still hear the music, it's not loud enough!
If you can't beat 'em, cheat 'em.
If you can't beat em', arrange to have them beaten.
If you can't convince 'em, confuse 'em.
If you can't drink and drive why do bars have parking lots?
If you can't have your cake and eat it too then why do you have it?
If you can't lower heaven, raise hell.
If you can't beat 'em, duct tape 'em.
If you can't beat 'em, they aren't tied down well enough.
If you can't say something nice, say something surrealistic
If you can't teach an old dog new tricks, how can you teach a new dog old tricks?
If you can't tie good knots, tie many.
If you cloned Henry V, would he be Henry VI, Henry V, Jr., or Henry V Part II?
If you cloned Nancy Kerrigan, would her double be an ice queen clone?
If you coated a magnet in Teflon and threw it on the fridge, would the magnet stick to the fridge?
If you come across a road sign that reads 'Speed 50MPH Ahead' and there are two of you in the car does that mean you legally can go 100MPH?
If you commit suicide and are pronounced dead then they bring you back to life again can you be tried for murder and condemned if found guilty?
If you control the media, you destroy democracy. If you don't control them, they will destroy democracy.
If you couldn't get in trouble for doing it, would it be fun?
If you cross a shamrock with poison ivy do you think you'd have a rash of good luck?
If you crossed a snowman with a vampire would you get frostbite?
If you cut the ends off a string, the string still has two ends.
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
If you didn't make the circumcision team, does that mean you got cut?
If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?
If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?
If you don't go over the line sometimes, how are you supposed to know where it is?
If you don't want to sit in your living room all day watching TV, move the TV into the bedroom.
If you don't die from it - it's not deadly.
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
If you drink a whole pot of coffee and then go to bed, do you dream in fast forward?
If you drink milk through your nose and you laugh would it come out your mouth?
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you drive past a road sign that has been knocked over do you still have to do what it says?
If you drop a hint will it bounce?
If you eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that considered a balanced diet? Don't they counteract each other?
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.
If you ever go back in time, don't try to shoot your grandfather. It's really hard to aim a gun in the past, with all those "Wayne's World" wavy lines in the air.
If you fall down an escalator going up, do you ever stop falling?
If you feel strongly about graffiti, sign a partition.
If you filled the humidifier with wax and left it on would everything in your house be shiny?
If you forgot what you were trying to forget about while trying to remember what you were trying to forget, how do you know if you forgot it or not?
If you get an abortion at Chili's, can you get your baby back baby back baby back baby back?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau who do you complain to?
If you get drunk at a pep rally, do you have school spirit?
If you give someone an air-conditioner as a house warming present, is it still considered a house warming present?
If you go to the Missing Persons Bureau would anybody be there?
If you had a cookie when you were 7, then GOOD FOR YOU.
If you had a Kryptonite cross could you defeat Superdracula?
If you had a million Shakespeares could they write like a monkey?
If you had the time isn't everywhere within walking distance?
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them would you call it an odd or an end?
If you have a strong compulsion to steal that pink stuff that soothes your stomach, are you a Peptomaniac?
If you have chicken at lunch and chicken again at dinner do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other?
If you have friends who are clowns, and one of them dies, do you all go to their funeral in one car?
If you have two bras, one a size AA and the other a size A, the AA is smaller than the A, but if you have a size DD and a size D, the DD is bigger than the D. Why is that? Should the DD be smaller than the D like the AA is smaller than the A? Or should the AA be bigger than the A like the DD is bigger than the D?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says "objects in mirror are closer than they appear" how can that be possible?
If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you; the next time he's in need.
If you hire Dr. Kevorkian to assist with your suicide and you live can you sue him for malpractice?
If you installed The Clapper on your TV would your TV turn itself off whenever the commercial for The Clapper was on?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you kicked the Energizer Bunny would you be charged with assaulting the battery?
If you learn from your mistakes, then why ain't I a genius?
If you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you lick the air does it get wet?
If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If you made wine out of raisins would you have to wait for it to age?
If you melted dry ice in a pool and jumped in would you get wet?
If you met your spouse on the internet, was it 'love at first site?'
If you misplace your eye glasses, how are you supposed to find them when you can't see without them?
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's screwdriver?
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
If you named your child 'You,' could he talk about himself in the first, second, and third person at the same time?
If you named your dog 'Stay,' and you taught him to obey your commands what would the dog do if you said 'Come Stay'?
If you only use artificial sweeteners does that mean you run the risk of getting artificial diabetes?
If you painted all the walls of your room with glow-in-the-dark paint and then turned off all the lights so it glowed would the room really be dark? And if it wasn't dark why would the walls be glowing?
If you placed a refrigerator in a climatically sealed room and left it running with the door open would the room get hotter or colder?
If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll?
If you put beer in a water bed does it make it a foam mattress?
If you put orange juice in the freezer it becomes frozen. So when you squeeze an orange does it become squozen?
If you put your car battery in backwards, will the horn suck?
If you put your contacts in backwards would you get the feeling that somebody was watching you?
If you put your watch on your tire, will you have time to spare?
If you quit your job because you were sick and tired of your boss, can you say you quit because of illness and fatigue?
If you read this notice would you notice that this notice is not worth noticing?
If you really want to test an English teacher's ability to teach, name your child Verb, then see how long it takes for him to tell you his name is actually a noun.
If you run copper wire through a magnetic field, you get electricity. And if you run electricity through copper wire, you get a magnetic field. So if you run electricity through a magnetic field, shouldn't you get copper wire?
If you saw a heat wave would you wave back?
If you say no to everything would you be a persistent resistant?
If you scuffed your feet long enough on carpet without touching anything would you build up so much static charge that your finger would explode?
If you send a cauliflower to someone through the internet, would it arrive as e-coli?
If you smoke after sex, you were doing it too fast.
If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?
If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?
If you start a new trend, is that a hip replacement?
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
If you stick a needle in a person, does the voodoo doll hurt?
If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
If you suffer from kleptomania would you take something for it?
If you swallow a bit of yeast when you go to bed at night, will you rise early in the morning?
If you swim half way across a lake and realize you can't make it, do you turn around and swim back?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If you take corn off the cob, not only do you have corn-off-the cob, but cobs-out-from-inside-the-corn.
If you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and divide it by its diameter do you get Pumpkin p?
If you take the 'Poo' out of 'Poor,' then you have 'R,' which is the beginning of 'Rich.'
If you take time to stop and smell the roses you'll eventually inhale a bee.
If you talk to spores, does that mean you can speak a fern language?
If you teach children to be polite and courteous when they grow up will they ever be able to get their cars onto the freeway?
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
If you thought a thought, but the thought you thought you thought wasn't the thought you thought, was the thought you thought the thought you thought or the thought you thought you thought?
If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you tried to phone the King of the Jungle, would the lion be busy?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for two weeks.
If you want something done right, shut up and get me a cappuccino.
If you want something very very badly, let it go free. If it doesn't come back to you, hunt it down and kill it
If you want to become a vegetarian, is it ok to give up meat cold turkey?
If you want to set your password to '******' how do you prevent it from being shown when you type it in?
If you want your own darkroom are you supposed to save your burned out bulbs?
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
If you went fishing with a dotted line would you catch every other fish?
If you were a clone, then every pair of genes would be a hand-me-down.
If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are your waiting?
If you were in a plane north of the equator, flushed the toilet, and immediately crossed the equator, what would happen to the water in the toilet?
If you were stuck down in a dungeon and there was a bad storm outside would you look out your little window and think, "Boy I'm glad I'm not out in that?"
If you wore two pairs of 3-D glasses at the same time would you be able to see in 6-D or 9-D?
If you work in a paperless office what do you do if you have to go the restroom?
If you would take two EX-LAX pills and take two IMODIUM AD pills simultaneously which one would win?
If you're "totally confused," how do you know?
If you're a sports fan does that make you an athletic supporter?
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on a first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
If you're always talking, you never learn anything because you only say what you already know. So SHUT UP already!
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you're driving a 35 ton truck, do you really need a whole lot of manners?
If you're going to try cross-country skiing, wouldn't it be advisable to start with a small country?
If you're having problems with your website, should you call a URLologist?
If you're horrified by what you read about the effects of smoking should you give up reading?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
If you're in jail, do they let you think outside the box?
If you're in your car when it starts raining hard is that a 'driving rain?'
If you're not tired how can you be retired?
If you're on a boat in the water can you still feel an earthquake? And if not, then wouldn't the safest place to be during an earthquake be in a bathtub full of water?
If you're only as old as you feel, how come I can't retire yet?
If you're participating in a riot at a World Cup Soccer match are you allowed to use your hands?
If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
If you're supposed to learn from your mistakes why do some people have more than one child?
If you've got a Handicapped sticker on your car, do you have to park in a handicapped parking stall? If you park in a non-Handicapped stall, will you get a ticket?
If you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
If you've stuck your foot in your mouth, have you bitten off more than you can chew?
If your Doctor tells you to strip to the waist do you take off your shirt or your pants?
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
If your dream comes true, do you stop dreaming?
If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, you have to take the spoon out of the cup.
If your glove is too big, does it still fit like a glove?
If your imaginary friend thinks you're imaginary, would that make you a figment of your imagination?
If your name was 'Hoo R. Yoo', do you think people would get mad at you when they ask what your name is?
If your Yoga teacher doesn't like you would it put you in a difficult position?
If you're depressed and miserable and you turn your life around, wouldn't you still be miserable and depressed?
If you're gonna be a turd, go lay in the yard.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Ignorance is Bliss!! Why aren't you happy?
Ignorance is bliss, therefore, you must be orgasmic.
I'll have one brain on drugs with bacon and toast.
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I'm as pure as the driven slush.
I'm at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk--alcoholics go to meetings!
I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!
Immortality seemed like a good idea... until you realized you were going to be spending it doing the dishes.
In a mad world, only the mad are sane.
In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
In a survival book, it says you can transport water in a 'condom in a sock.' Of course! Whenever I get lost in the woods I have prophylactic with me.
In ancient Rome, the Emperors sat in a special part of the Coliseum; the Caesarian section.
In campgrounds why do they have those signs that read 'No Loitering Around Campsites?' What does this mean? Isn't that what camping is all about?
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death.
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
In earthquakes, does seis matter?
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
In exams why does it say 'Write in your own words'? Surely you
In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? Or do they have to ask for American toast?
In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? Or do they have to ask for American toast?
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
In my kid's American History class, they are studying the 50's. She's taking me for show and tell tomorrow.
In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything is going right, something is wrong.
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
In real life when humans come in contact with large amounts of radiation they may develop cancer or birth defects might occur. So how come in a comic book the same amount of radiation gives them God-like abilities?
In Star Wars, how come R2-D2 can understand humans perfectly but only C-3P0 can understand R2? And how come 3P0 can understand R2 anyway?
In the beginning there was nothing. Then it exploded.
In the beginning, God created War, Famine and Pestilence. Did he then create politicians to ensure that we all get our fair share?
In the childrens' activity song, Little Bunny Foo-Foo, if the little bunny was hopping through the FOREST, what were FIELD mice doing there?
In the dictionary of love, 'bar' comes right before 'car.'
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can't he?
In the movie 'Deep Impact' why do people even bother to run away from the mile high tidal wave?
In the movie Titanic, how come Rose promised to never let go? The very next second, you hear a crack and see Jack sinking to the ocean floor.
In the Spider-Man TV series he swings from web-to-web between the skyscrapers. What are the webs attached to?
In the USA, the top doctor and top lawyer are called the Surgeon General and the Attorney General. So how come the top military person is called the Secretary of Defense? Shouldn't he be called the Defense General?
In the Western World, mothers use tiny spoons to feed their babies. Does that mean Eastern World mothers use toothpicks?
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is a big difference.
Income Tax: Capital punishment.
Incorrigible punster. Do not incorrige.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.
Inoculatte: intravenous coffee consumption
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in pain.
Instead of the 'backstroke', why not just call it 'making water angels?'
IQ tests are biased towards the literate.
Ironic isn't it, that God gave the tortoise a drag factor of 0.03.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
Is 'Abbreviated Coded Rendition Of Name Yielding Meaning', the acronym for ACRONYM?
Is 'status quo,' Latin for 'the mess we are in'?
Is "Fish fish fish" a sentence?
Is a burger in each hand a balanced diet?
Is a chicken crossing the road, poultry in motion?
Is a diet a weigh of life?
Is a fly without wings called a walk?
Is a Gynecologist simply a doctor who was too short to be a brain surgeon?
Is a minister rehearsing his sermon, practicing what he preaches?
Is a person's holier side their altar ego?
Is a pessimist's blood type 'b-negative?'
Is a Phobophobe someone who is afraid of fear or afraid of being afraid?
Is a restaurant the only place where people are happy when they're fed up?
Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
Is a trailer pulled by a precededer?
Is AAAAA an organization for people driven to drink?
Is an albino black cat considered unlucky?
Is an arbitrator someone who leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds?
Is an easy plot easy to follow simply by following it easily?
Is an estate an internet government?
Is an insulting telegram a barbed wire?
Is an octogenarian a veterinarian who treats octopuses?
Is anybody else aware that you can also play solitaire with something called a deck of cards?
Is anyone working on a Bestoshire Sauce? Or have our standards really fallen that far?
Is chicken the only thing we eat before it is born and after it is dead? Except for roe fish, I suppose.
Is deep sea diving a very high pressure job?
Is diarrhea considered hereditary since it runs in your jeans?
Is Earth the insane asylum for the Universe?
Is Edam the only cheese that's made backwards?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Is God's name 'God' or is it just a title?
Is gross ignorance 144 times worse than normal ignorance?
Is half of your large intestine a semicolon?
Is hospitality simply making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were?
Is invisible ink available in all colors?
Is it a coincidience that R2D2 and beaker both were controled by actors and only made beeping noises?
Is it a crime if you knew that your next door neighbor's gate got stolen but didn't say anything because you were afraid they would take a fence?
Is it a crime to type 'FIRE' in all caps in a crowded chat room?
Is it against the law for Americans to refer to the Year 2000 virus as the Y2K virus since they're not using the metric system yet?
Is it an 'encore' when you eat more than one apple?
Is it better to have loved a short man than to never have loved a tall?
Is it cheaper to steal wholesale rather than retail?
Is it considered bad manners to show your prized cactus collection to your blind friends?
Is it impolite to stare at blind people?
Is it just me or has anyone else noticed that there has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about?
Is it more important that I do things for God's sake than it is for Pete's?
Is it not true that if you treat every situation as a life and death matter you'll die a lot of times?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
Is it possible for a psychic fair to be cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances?
Is it possible for an abortion clinic to have a waiting list of more than nine months?
Is it possible for an 'Urban Myth' to occur in rural areas?
Is it possible that 'Memorex' is the name of an all-mime band and those tapes aren't blank at all?
Is it possible that some of these questions being asked are so ridiculous, you can't even consider them a question?
Is it possible that they named Murphy's Law after the wrong guy?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is it possible to get away from it all? Don't you always go someplace?
Is it possible to get just one Siamese twin drunk?
Is it possible to mutter OVER your breath?
Is it possible to round off infinity?
Is it really good if a vacuum really sucks?
Is it the magic of Christmas that always makes your money disappear at that time of the year?
Is it true that a woman enjoys a man's company most when he owns it?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Is it true that cannibals have baked beings for lunch?
Is it true that history does not repeat itself, it merely rhymes?
Is it true that if you meet a good loser, you'll have met a loser?
Is it true that if you're looking for a committed man, you should look in a mental hospital?
Is it true that lightning bugs never land in the same place twice?
Is it true that man's most precious possessions are his delusions?
Is it true that people demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid?
Is it true that women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street boldly when they are balding and have a beer gut and still think they are beautiful?
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
Is it true that you'll never get tired if you rest a lot in advance?
Is Judgement Day a holiday for the Courts?
Is Metropolis overly radioactive because of Superman's x-ray vision?
Is one  millionth of a mouthwash equal to one microscope?
Is Polynesia a place where parrots go when they have lost their memory?
Is progress just an exchange of one nuisance for another nuisance?
Is pudding a liquid or a solid?
Is putting mulch around a tree considered cannibalism?
Is reincarnation God's way of recycling?
Is sex like CPR for you? Is mouth-to-mouth enough, or do you just need a few thrusts?
Is smoking smoking one of the leading causes of statistics?
Is sports builds character how come most basketball coaches behave like spoiled children?
Is superstition a religion that has grown incongruous with intelligence?
Is that that is not, that that is?
Is the bank account for a girdle business called a truss fund?
Is the basic unit of laryngitis a hoarsepower?
Is the best reason for getting rid of crime the fact that we will then get rid of all lawyers as well?
Is the best way to be a leader with a large following just to obey the speed limit on a winding two lane road?
Is the biggest problem in Australia getting rid of unwanted boomerangs?
Is the fact that some candidates can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds good or bad?
Is the fear of flying groundless?
Is the fear of flying groundless?
Is the glass half empty or half full? Or is there just twice as much glass as there needs to be?
Is the lottery a tax on people who are bad at math?
Is the nose the scenter of the face?
Is the only reason we give our children middle names so that they can tell when they are REALLY in trouble?
Is the reason bicycle's can't stand on their own because they are two-tired?
Is the reason it's called cold cash because it's never in your pockets long enough to get warm?
Is the reason that fish are brain food the fact that they travel in schools?
Is the reason that mushrooms always look like umbrellas because they always grow in damp places?
Is the reason that talk is cheap, simply because the supply exceeds the demand?
Is the reason that they are called meteorologists because, like meteors, they are always far off?
Is the reason there are so many Smiths in the phone book because they all have phones?
Is the reason we get heavier as we get older because there is a lot more information in our heads?
Is the reason why you should love your neighbor the fact that he may well have just the tools or equipment that you need?
Is the reason yawning is contagious because you yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums and the pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures so they must yawn to even it out?
Is the statement, 'There are no absolutes,' an absolute?
Is the task of buying groceries and putting them in your buggy called shopping a-la-cart?
Is the time between slipping on a peel and falling one bananosecond?
Is the worst part of unemployment, daytime television?
Is there a difference between a philosophy and a bumper sticker?
Is there a word for "Sand" in the Icelandic language?
Is there a word for "Snow" in the Egyptian language?
Is there a word made up entirely of silent letters? And if there is, how would you pronounce it?
Is there an imaginary cure for hypochondria?
Is there another word for synonym?
Is there any 'open-captioned' television?
Is there anything left that thanks to TV weather people we aren't blaming on El Niño?
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
Is there anything more friendlier than a wet dog?
Is there really such thing as a 'civil' war?
Is there such a thing as a P-tip? Or an R-tip, T-tip, or a B-tip? Why only Q-tips?
Is there such a thing as a rhetorical answer?
Is there such a thing as a trick answer?
Is there such a thing as an "illegal" pad?
Is this instant (the one right now) the moment of the future that is presently the past?
Is vacation something you take when you can't take what you've been taking any longer?

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