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Thinkabouts.1
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Thinkabouts 0001-0500

ATTENTION: The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of my employer, not necessarily mine, and probably not necessary.
1 1 was a race-horse, 2 2 was 1 2. When 1 1 1 1 race, 2 2 1 1 2.
100,000 Lemmings can't be wrong.
1999 pennies are worth almost twenty dollars.
2 is not equal to 3--not even for very large values of 2.
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case...coincidence? I think not.
42.3 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
49.9% of the world is below average.
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
6.1 billion people, and unique ideas are as rare as competent politicians.
A .jpg is worth a thousand .txt's.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A bird in the bush can't make a mess in your hand.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked be on the lookout for eight hardened criminals.
A centipede is an inchworm that has switched to the metric system.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
A day without a pun is a day without sunshine; there is gloom for improvement.
A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.
A drunk is someone who goes into the bar optimistically and leaves the bar misty optically.
A flashback is a man with his raincoat on backwards.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
A hypothetical paradox: What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
A little pain never hurt anybody.
A local area network in Australia is the LAN down-under.
A lot of people think our bathroom has green carpeting in it. That's moss.
A man is as old as he feels. But never as important.
A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows.
A man who lives in a glass house should change in his basement.
A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A mistress is something between a mister and a mattress.
A mosquito only lives for one day. So if it skips breakfast does that mean it had a bad childhood?
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
A murderer had heartburn because of something the assassinate.
A music store was robbed. The thief made away with the lute.
A mute carrying two suitcases has rendered himself speechless.
A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes.
A nice box of chocolates provides your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
A penny found is a penny saved. A penny saved is a penny earned. A penny earned because you saved it because you found it is a penny someone already paid taxes on.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
A penny saved is worthless.
A pessimist is a man who looks both way before crossing a one-way street.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems but it will annoy enough people around you to make it worthwhile.
A premonition is the qualm before the storm.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray, and the blinking red light.
A procrastinator's work never done.
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but really, who wants to get their girlfriend a dozen crapweeds?
A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.
A seven day honeymoon makes one weak.
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
A soft taco is a burrito that never got folded.
A steak a day keeps the cows dead.
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
A Titanic intellect in a world full of icebergs.
A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.
A volcano is a mountain with hiccups.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
A Whopper in the hand is worth all the birds in the bush.
A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad.
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
Acid rain dissolves Styrofoam.
Actually, Pavlov's dog trained him to ring the bell just before the dog salivated.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Adam to Eve: "I'M the one who wears the plants in this family."
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
After eating a 4-cylinder Datsun did Godzilla say "Gee, I could have had a V-8?"
After four decimal places, nobody cares.
After hearing two eyewitness accounts of the same accident, you begin to wonder about history.
After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
After playing the game 'UNO' have you ever wondered whether Spanish people play a game called 'one?'
Age doesn't always bring wisdom; sometimes age comes alone.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Agnostic: a person who isn't sure which Hell they're going to.
Air is just water with holes in it.
Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.
Algorithm: a quote from the former Vice-president.
All generalizations are false.
All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen.
All marriages are happy - it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
All things being equal, you lose.
All things considered, isn't insanity the only option?
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
All's fair in Love and War, except maybe hand grenades in the former and tongue kissing in the latter.
Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third.
Alone: In bad company.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
Always avoid alliteration.
Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness otherwise it's hard to tell if someone is inconspicuous.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.
Alzheimer's Advantage: New friends everyday.
Amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
America is a great country: if you can't make it in the rat race, they give you free cheese.
An acorn is an oak, in a nutshell.
An ad for a cleaner says it leaves dishes "virtually spot free." If it's 'virtually' spot free, aren't they acknowledging that their product doesn't work?
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
Analyzing humor is like analyzing a frog: you can do it, but the frog tends to die in the process.
Anarchy is against the law.
And he said, "Oo ee, oo ah ah, ting tang, walla walla bing bang." And then he shrunk my head
Ankh if you love Isis.
Announcement in porn shop: "Clean-up on Aisle Five."
Anyone can win, unless there is a second entry.
Anyone who isn't confused here doesn't really know what's going on.
Anything dropped in the bathroom will fall in the toilet.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time.
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
Apt. 668: The Neighbor of the Beast
Are 1000 grams of wet socks the same as one literhosen?
Are alcoholics more flammable than other people?
Are alto singers above C-level?
Are any two raindrops ever alike?
Are circus midgets who get shot out of cannons called 'human BBs'?
Are conglomerates known by the companies they keep?
Are dog biscuits made from collie flour?
Are frogs the only animals that are truly immortal? Do they not croak every night and still get up in the morning?
Are government workers really self-employed?
Are guinea pigs ever used as guinea pigs?
Are insurance rates be higher in Gotham City and Metropolis? After all, both cities are beaten to pieces by super villains and superheroes, right?
Are left handed people the only ones in their right minds?
Are librarians considered bookies?
Are mailmen allowed to think outside the P.O. Box?
Are meteorologists always nervous because their future is up in the air?
Are paper clips the larvae stage of coat hangers?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Are pedestrians just those people who have found a place to park?
Are people getting stupider or are we just noticing more as we age?
Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
Are people who work at Motel 6 inn experienced?
Are some instruments in a drum-and-bugle corps purely cymbolic?
Are ten cards equeal to one decacards?
Are the principal singers of nineteenth century operas called pre-Madonnas?
Are the three dimensions of a credit card Length, Width, and Debt?
Are there "Senior Mints?"
Are there any other kinds of nog besides egg?
Are there keys to an airplane?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
Are there unguided missiles?
Are these your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
Are they called lap dogs because they sit on your lap or because they lap your face?
Are two wharves a paradox?
Are unripened oranges called greens?
Are we sure the Jolly Green Giant and Santa aren't the same guy in a different suit? All either of them say is 'ho, ho, ho' isn't it?
Are wisdom teeth smarter than your other teeth?
Are you as good as I am at predicting the past?
Are you getting smart with me? --How would you know?
Are you really better off due to daylight saving time if it takes you an hour to change all your clocks?
Are you suppose to feed a boogie fever?
Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
Aren't a lot of good arguments spoiled by some fool who knows what he is talking about?
Aren't couches the densest object in the entire universe? What else has more gravitational pull than your favorite couch?
Aren't coupons just the manufacturer's confession that they are over charging you?
Aren't fossil fuels a thing of the past?
Aren't lawyers just people who prevent somebody else from getting your money?
Aren't rhetorical questions a waste of time?
Aren't some mistakes just too much fun to make only once?
Aren't the only truly consistent people dead?
Aren't adults just obsolete children?
Aren't you making progress if each mistake you make is a new one?
Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don't know if they are rhetorical questions or not?
Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don't know if they are rhetorical questions or not?
Arsonists of the world, ignite!
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
As a matter of fact, the world does revolve around me.
As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841
As I said before, I never repeat myself!
As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're going to be dizzy and we're going to make mistakes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
As soon as someone tells you they have a surprise for you, they've lost the element of surprise.
As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something.
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
At a nude Bowling Alley, would they still have to wear bowling shoes?
At age 18, why so some governments consider you to be mature enough to fight for your country, but not enough to buy alcohol?
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
At McDonalds employees always say "That will be $4.68 at the next window." Don't you just want to ask them how much it would be at another window?
At what point of his journey does an emigrant become an immigrant?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade!
Avoid Hospitals and Jails at all costs.
Avoid overpopulation -- eat a neighbor!
Babies are like poems; beautiful to their creators, but annoying to everyone else.
Back in the year 1488 was 'Ye Olde Tea Shoppe' called 'Ye Brande Newe Tea Shoppe'?
Back up my Hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
Backups? We don' need no steenking backups.
Bad Cop! No donut!
Be alert - the world needs more lerts.
Be careful when reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Be kind to your children, they will be the ones choosing your nursing homes.
Be profound without meaning, and meaningful without depth.
Be true to thine own self. Install a polygraph if necessary.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors...and miss.
Beam me aboard, Scotty! -- Will a 2-by-4 do, Cap'n?
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Because life causes cancer, does that mean we must outlaw it?
Because of the exchange rate, are Canadian pictures only worth 700 words?
Been there. Broke that.
Beer makes the world go 'round... (and 'round, and 'round...)"
Before electric lighting, did they have acoustic lighting?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Before they invented freight trains what did tornadoes sound like?
Before you borrow money from a friend, shouldn't you decide which you need more?
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Behind every successful man stands a surprised woman.
Being dead right won't make you any less dead.
Being delusional cuts down on your Prozac costs.
Being poor isn't bad, just inconvenient.
Being superstitious brings bad luck.
Below average pilot: One who has an unequal number of takeoffs and landings.
Beta: Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
Beware of geeks bearing gifts.
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Birth control makes no since. It's 9 months earlier that you need control.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Blessed are the procrastinators, for we will die last.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Blind people usually wear dark glasses. So why don't deaf people wear dark earmuffs?
Blow your mind: smoke gunpowder.
Boren's Laws: When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. When in charge, ponder.
Born free...taxed to death.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo!!! Demand REAL poo!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
Bruce Springsteen took two years to record the 'Born in the U.S.A.' album. With all that time why didn't he have time to write 'Born in the United States of America?'
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
By the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has probably expired.
By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
California is known for its sunshine and earthquakes: so I guess you could call it the shake and bake state.
Can a blind man be afraid of the dark?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
Can a loaded hearse drive in the carpool lane?
Can a masochist ever get a horrible disease?
Can a mime break the sound barrier?
Can a one-eyed person have 20/20 vision?
Can anybody ever pass a mirror on the street and not check out their profile as they walk by?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Can blind people see their dreams?
Can blind people see their dreams?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
Can blind people work on-site?
Can chickens get 'People Pox?'
Can clowns be given awards post-humorously?
Can exceptionally talented ventriloquists even throw their voice mail?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can God create a square circle?
Can God make a rock so heavy he can't lift it?
Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
Can people who live on houseboats get flood insurance?
Can people without hands get a grip?
Can people without hands get a grip?
Can Pro-lifers spay and neuter their pets?
Can romantic one-legged women get swept off their foot?
Can the crook in your elbow be sent to jail?
Can there be spontaneous planning?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Can vegetarians eat fruit? And if so then why are they called vegetarians?
Can we really be a technologically-advanced society if we need detailed instructions and warnings printed on things like bars of soap and boxes of toothpicks?
Can you bring your own china to an all you can eat buffet? You know, so you can actually get enough food on your plate, and can have a BIG bowl of ice cream?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Can you confuse an open mind with one that is just vacant?
Can you fix a TV with Video Tape?
Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener?
Can you get punished for telling a really bad pun?
Can you get tired of yawning?
Can you have only one plural?
Can you imagine how funny people would look if they really put their money where their mouth is?
Can you knock the stuffing out of the Pillsbury Dough Boy? Is that why he is so fat? People keep poking his stomach and each time it rises bigger than before?
Can you list the things that haven't been invented yet?
Can you overstand something?
Can you send gentlemen through the internet? Is that e-male?
Can you tell how old a pirate is by cutting off his peg leg and counting the rings?
Can you tell when a battery is dead by its weight?
Can your closet be claustrophobic?
can't just go and make up your own words?
Canada is like America's attic. You never know what kind of cool stuff is up there.
Cannibals take "You are what you eat" too seriously.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
Can't we all just get a bong?
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
Careful. We don't want to learn from this.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
Cell phones are the only category in which men vie to have the smallest.
Censorship is the mother of metaphor.
Censorship? We don't have any censorship. If we did, I couldn't say --or --.
Chain smoking must be very difficult. Have you ever tried to light a chain?
Change is inevitable -except from vending machines.
Chaos, panic, and disorder: my work here is done.
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Chemistry professors never die; they just smell that way!
Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors. Children who come before they are called will grow up to be lawyers.
Chile today. Hot tamale.
Christianity calls for moderation in all things except Christianity.
Christmas is weird. It's the only time of year when we love to sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
Clairvoyants' meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.
Clones are people two.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Cocaine is God's way of telling you that you make too much money.
COFFEE.EXE Missing---Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum: 'I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.'
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Come closer to the monitor; I won't byte.
Common sense is Genius dressed in its work clothes.
Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.
Computer Science: Solving today's problems tomorrow.
Computers can never replace human stupidity.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Confucius say "He who eat fortune out of cookie get crappy news in the end."
Conqueror's Maxim: If you're going to rape, pillage and burn, be sure to do things in that order.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
Cooperation can only be reached if we work together.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
Could the reason that there's now a higher percentage of seat belt users be the fact that the non-users are slowly being killed off?
Could there be a gene that causes belief in genetic determinism?
Could there ever be a headline reading 'Time Travel To Be Discovered Next Year?'
Could we combat global warming simply by getting everybody in the world to blow at the same time?
Could you call a cow a lawn moower?
Could your eyes be called an academy, because there are pupils there?
Court's Clause: No matter how many pins you take out of a new shirt, there is always one more.
Courtship: A man pursuing a woman until she catches him.
Crime doesn't pay. . .does that mean that my job is a crime?
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Culd der b a indestrooktibul spel checqker virrus on de rimpoge?
Cured hams probably aren't cured; after all, you buy them dead, right?
Curiosity killed the cat, but gruesome rituals brought it back.
Custer got Siouxed.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Dead people are cool.
Dear God whom art in heaven, is it open all night just like 7-11?
Death is hereditary.
Death is just nature's way of telling us to slow down.
Death to all fanatics!
Definition of a prostitute - receiver of swollen goods.
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
Deja Mew: The feeling that somehow, someway, you've been shed on by this cat before.
Deja Moo: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've heard this bullshit before.
Deja View: The feeling that somehow, someway, you've looked in this mirror before.
Deja Voodoo: The feeling that someone, somewhere is sticking a needle into your eye.
Delta's slogan is "Come fly the friendly skies." How is this possible? I look up and I only see one sky.
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.
Demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Department of Redundancy Department.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Did Bonnie and Clyde have his-and-her shotguns?
Did God give us two ears because listening is so difficult? And only one mouth because talking isn't?
Did Noah include termites on the ark?
Did Noah take aquatic animals on the ark?
Did Noah use flood lights on the Ark?
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Did the Indians check the Pilgrims for green cards?
Did the little girl on the Morton Salt box get in trouble for spilling all that salt? Or was she just on a massive slug eradication binge?
Did they have antiques in the olden days?
Did they have antiques in the olden days?
Did Tupperware invent lip lock?
Did you ever consider that Chicken Little only has to be right once?
Did you ever figure you'd ever see the day when dollars to doughnuts was an even bet?
Did you ever notice that 'ham and eggs' is merely a days work for the chicken but a lifetime commitment for the pig?
Did you ever notice that "No comment" is a comment?
Did you ever notice that Cookie Monster never swallowed?
Did you ever notice that the lawyer smiles more than his client?
Did you ever notice that the letters in the word 'anagram' cannot be rearranged into another word?
Did you ever notice that the minute waltz is never used for hold music?
Did you ever one of those days have when say you everything no sense makes?
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Did you ever want to be a procrastinator but just never got around to it?
Did you ever wonder if the reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill?
Did you hear about the blind man who picked up a hammer and saw?
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved children? He loved the platter of little feet.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year.
Did you hear about the gay Irish guys? Henry Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzhenry.
Did you hear about the guy who couldn't pay his exorcist and was repossessed?
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.
Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?
Did you know that a family alter can alter a family?
Did you know that human beings only use 20% of their brain? Can you imagine what it would be like if we used the other 60%?
Did you know that if all the smokers were laid end to end around the world, three quarters of them would drown?
Did you know that in 1850 the first all-white Dalmatian dog was spotted?
Did you know that the word 'gullible' isn't in the dictionary?
Did you see those new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddie seats, and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit they don't say: "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden but easily accessible when you need it!"
Diet religiously: eat what you want and pray you don't gain weight.
Different drummer? I'm my own band!
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' untill you can find a rock.
Diplomacy: The art of letting someone have your way.
Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.
Disc space - the final frontier!
Disease and famine are stalking the country like two giant stalking thingies.
Do all fishermen lie or do all liars fish?
Do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water after they eat?
Do anteaters ever get sick? Aren't they always full of anty-bodies?
Do apes go people when they get excited?
Do artists know where to draw the line?
Do babies think adults are cute?
Do bald people have bad head days?
Do bees take coffee breaks?
Do black widow spiders kill their males after mating just to keep them from snoring?
Do bleached-blondes pretend to have more fun?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Do blind people have problems when they go to a house with embossed wallpaper?
Do burn victims get discounts at crematoriums?
Do Canadian cowboys wear 3.785 deciliter hats?
Do cannibals get engaged to be marinated?
Do cars driven late at night burn midnight oil?
Do catfish meow?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Do chickens ever wonder why WE cross the road?
Do chickens think everything tastes like people?
Do clowns wear really big socks?
Do cows drink milk? And if they do, wouldn't that be considered cow-abilism?
Do cows watch where they step in fields?
Do doughnut holes have any calories?
Do electrons have a negative influence on society?
Do Eskimos eat American Pies?
Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
Do fish get thirsty?
Do fish keep money in a river bank?
Do fish swim or are they just walking in the water?
Do fish wash in the river basin?
Do fishermen live in the reel world?
Do flea markets start from scratch?
Do ghost writers get paid a living wage?
Do head Bishops keep their bees in archives?
Do homeless people have turf wars?
Do hummingbirds hum because they don't know the words?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do insecure people wear life jackets on their rowing machines?
Do Jewish people carry around lucky rabbis' feet?
Do joggers with pump-up trainers have to carry spares?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do Maternity wards have midwife crises?
Do mimes watch silent movies?
Do mimes watch silent movies?
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
Do mountain climbers tie themselves together with ropes just to prevent the sensible ones from going home?
Do NASCAR drivers use their signal lights?
Do not look into the laser with remaining eye!
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
Do old people read the Bible so much because they are cramming for their finals?
Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
Do optimists ever carry an umbrella?
Do pediatricians play miniature golf?
Do penguins have knees?
Do people ask stupid questions for a reason? What about that one?
Do people who make sponges get absorbed in their work?
Do people who play the washboard think of it as playing an acoustic washing machine?
Do people who sign for deaf people have to wear boxing gloves in bed in case they injure themselves while talking in their sleep?
Do people with one arm swim in circles?
Do people with psychic powers get nostalgic about next week?
Do police officers ever get traffic tickets? And if so, do they get an employee discount?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
Do radioactive halibut make fission chips?

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