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Thinkabouts 2001-2500

Is your conscience that small inner voice that doesn't speak your language?
Is your low-fat diet working if every day your fat hangs lower?
Isaac Newton became discouraged in 1750 when he fell up a flight of stairs.
Isn't a spouse a person who sticks with you through troubles you wouldn't have had if you hadn't married them in the first place?
Isn't a square just a triangle with an extra side?
Isn't a word to the wise unnecessary? It's the stupid ones who need the advice isn't it?
Isn't adolescence the age when children try to bring up their parents?
Isn't an alarm clock just an aggravating thing that makes people rise and whine?
Isn't an argument just a situation where two people try to get in the last word first?
Isn't democracy the recurrent idea that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time?
Isn't dieting just wishful shrinking?
Isn't efficiency just intelligent laziness?
Isn't fishing just a jerk on one end of the line waiting for a jerk at the other?
Isn't giving a speech just like drilling for oil? You either strike riches or you should stop boring.
Isn't happiness a by-product of an effort to make someone else happy?
Isn't hardware just the parts of your computer system that can be kicked?
Isn't how fast time passes directly proportionate with how interesting your work is?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
Isn't it better to be poor rather than rich? The rich always fear becoming poor, but the poor never fear becoming rich.
Isn't it better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot? Don't they imply the same amount of knowledge?
Isn't it funny how some people think there's intelligent life on other planets? Why should other planets be any different from this one?
Isn't it hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything?
Isn't it ironic that in this world there exist both escalators and Stairmasters?
Isn't it only natural that a person becomes quieter as they grow older? After all don't they have a lot more to keep quiet about?
Isn't it redundant to say an offer is void where prohibited?
Isn't it sometimes wiser to be ignorant than to learn things we should not have known?
Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
Isn't it too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair?
Isn't it true that a lot of money is tainted? It taint yours and it taint mine.
Isn't medical insurance simply something that allows people to be ill at ease?
Isn't resisting temptation usually just a matter of putting it off until no one is looking?
Isn't stress when you wake up screaming and you realize that you haven't fallen asleep yet?
Isn't technology just a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it?
Isn't the best thing about going the wrong way on a one-way street, the fact that there are no stop signs to impede you?
Isn't the best thing about using your computer to watch movies the fact that at least your computer screen doesn't keep blinking '12:00' all the time?
Isn't the Earth just like a tiny grain of sand only much, much heavier?
Isn't the future much like the present, only longer?
Isn't the most painful place to be kicked in the ego?
Isn't the most powerful force in the universe the one that holds black dog hairs to newly washed shirts?
Isn't the probability of someone watching you proportional to the stupidity of your action?
Isn't the problem with children's education today often a parent?
Isn't the problem with political jokes the fact that they keep getting re-elected?
Isn't the real reason that you can't take it with you simply because it usually goes before you do?
Isn't the real reason why the chicken crossed the road to prove to the skunk and possum that it can be done?
Isn't the sound of one hand clapping 'whoosh?'
Isn't the speed of time simply one second per second?
Isn't the trouble with bucket seats, the fact that not everybody has the same size bucket?
Isn't the trouble with jogging the fact that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it it's too far to walk back?
Isn't the word 'Deadline' just a little too harsh?
Isn't there always free cheese in a mousetrap?
Isn't a commentator just a plain old spud?
Isn't a Corporation an ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility?
Isn't aging the only way to live?
Isn't fame by any other word, still self serving?
Isn't having a song in your heart just like karoke for the voices in your head?
Isn't it interesting how a girl always looks hotter when she's naked?
Isn't it ironic that Alanis Morrissette's song 'Ironic' has nothing to do with irony?
Isn't it true that back in the horse and buggy days we really had a stable economy?
Isn't it true that history is kept exciting by humanity's continuous influx of fresh ignorance?
Isn't it true that there is always a way, and it usually doesn't work?
Isn't marriage is a three-ring circus? Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering
Isn't the only degree you'll ever need in life 98.6F?
It ain't the size, it's... no wait... it IS the size.
It costs $75 to file for bankruptcy--Do you think they'll take a check?
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It is bad manners to break your bread and roll in your soup.
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting, because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
It is hard for me to believe that the small amount of water I took from the tank caused such a large bubble.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
It is never a good thing to find yourself being chased by giant icicles.
It is not what a teenager know that bothers his parents. It's how he found out that bothers them.
It is really bad when you forget your twin brother's brithday.
It is silly for a woman to go to a male gynecologist. It is like going to an auto mechanic who has never even owned his own car.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
It takes a smart man to know he's stupid.
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown...and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It was so easy for me to make money from a monkey. All I needed to do was build a 'K' removing machine.
It's a control freak thing. I won't let you understand!
It's a dog eat dog world. Make sure your dog isn't anorexic.
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
It's all coming back to me now, said the man as he peed into the wind
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it
It's called a double standard because it's twice as important.
It's common sense - you don't fry bacon naked!
It's Deja Vu all over again!
It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack.
It's good to travel because they say it broadens you, but so does sitting at home on the sofa, doesn't it?
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
It's impossible to know exactly how you look in sunglasses.
It's like my brain has a mind of its own!
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way.
It's not Area 51 I'm worried about--it's Areas 1 through 50.
It's not hard to meet expenses: they're everywhere.
It's not that I don't like school, it's the principal of the thing.
It's not the minutes one spends at the table that makes one fat, it's the seconds, isn't it?
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
It's not whether you win or lose; it matters whether I win or lose.
It's not whether you win or lose; it's how you place the blame.
It's so big it's bigger than the biggest big big thing!
It's true that every time you hear a bell ring, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an Angel gets set on fire.
It's a crime to catch a fish in some lakes and a miracle in lots of others.
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
It's better to listen to your bartender at night than the Judge in the morning.
It's fun until someone gets infected.
It's not the size of the hard drive that counts, it's how you download it.
It's time to open your parachute when cars look as big as ants. If ants look as big as cars, you've waited too long.
It's unlucky to be superstitious.
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.
I've testified in court so many times, the Witness Protection Program people know me by name.
Janiskee's Theorem: The artwork on the cover is inversely proportional to the literary content within.
Jenny Craig is willing, but the dieter is stupid.
Jesus Christ and George W. Bush: Two people you would have never heard of if not for who their fathers are.
Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.
Jesus died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?
Jesus is coming! Look busy!
Jesus saves...passes to Moses, he shoots, he scores!
Joseph Stalin's grave is a Communist plot.
Just because I have a short attention span
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean that all parachutes are perfect, does it?
Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you. . .
Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
Just before someone gets nervous do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
Just cause you look like a whore doesn't mean you'll get paid.
Just exactly how easy IS pie?
Just how did the letter 'Z' come to symbolize sleep any ways? Why couldn't they use a 'B'? Or possibly an 'H'?
Just how happy is a lark? Any why is he so happy?
Just how much is much? And when you eat a lot why do we always eat two of them?
Just how much IS that doggy in the window? You know that one with the waggedy tail.
Just remember: no matter where you go, there you are.
Just say no to unprotected sex with pro-lifers.
Just what are the heebie-jeebies? And how do we get them?
Just what flavor is "Original?"
Just what is it that the Operators are standing by? Could it be the water cooler?
Just when I was getting use to yesterday along came today
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Just who decided that we had to talk in that annoying tone of voice to a baby? Any who decided that we should call it 'baby talk?'
Just who is this Didley Squat guy? And what's the big deal with not knowing him?
Just why do otherwise intelligent people buy cinema hot-dogs?
Katz' Law: Man and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.
Kick a dead horse long enough and you won't have to bury it.
Kids these days think that the Trojan War was fought over contraceptives.
Kids used to ask where they came from. Why is it that now they tell you where to go?
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas and take your next trip in kilometers.
Kissing is just two people getting so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other.
Kiznek's Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.
Klingons have R-R-Ridges.
Knock softly but firm...I like soft firm knockers.
Know thyself. If you need help, call the CIA.
Knowing Murphy's Law doesn't help
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Fart and you laugh alone.
Laugh at your problems; everyone else does!
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats; approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
Lazy Man's Law: If anything was worth doing, it would've already been done. Corollary: Nothing is worth doing.
Lets say you fall backwards in a cave and a stalagmite gets embedded in your back and then you double over in pain. Since it's now pointed in the other direction, would it be called a stalactite?
Life is a razor, you are always in hot water or a scrape.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
Life is just one non sequitur after a blind spot.
Life is like a box of chocolates; it's full of nuts.
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Life is like a roll of toilet paper: it gets more valuable closer to the end.
Life is like a simile.
Life is wasted on the living.
Life isn't fair; It's a circus.
Life Lesson #29: Always check your fly before you get up to read to the congregation.
Life may have no meaning; or worse yet, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
Life's short. Eat dessert first.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Lincoln studied by the light of a fireplace. Mozart composed by candle light. Galileo invented by oil lamp. How come these seemingly intelligent people never thought to do their work during the daytime?
Listening to you makes me worry about the effects of second-hand stupidity.
Live each millenium as if it was your last.
Live every day as though it were your last. One day, you'll be right.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Lobotomies for Democrats: It's the law.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Look out for Nyumber One. Don't step in Number Two either.
Lord give me patience......But Hurry!
Lord Sandwich apparently invented the sandwich. What would happen if Lord Unflamatitus invented it? "Sure, I'll take a ham unfamatitus on rye."
Loser (n): A window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.
Losing a wife is hard - In my case it was damn near impossible!
losing your watch is a timeless moment.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.
Love is like a small pointy box hidden in a pitch black room filled with razor blades and electric eels.
Love is like a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
Love is like constipation.  You have to work so hard to get rid of all the crap that sometimes the whole thing just goes right down the tube.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Love thine enemies; it really pisses them off.
Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards.
Lowery's Law: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
LSD: melts in your mind, not in your hands.
Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Maintain thy airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
Make yourself at home: clean my kitchen!
Man is the highest form of animal only because he's the one doing the classifying.
Man who sneezes without tissues takes matters into his own hands.
Many a man hath more hair than wit.
Many teachers are finding that in the morning they haven't any class.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of defeat.
Marco's First Law of Fiddling: Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
Marco's Second Law of Fiddling: If you fiddle with something long enough, you'll break it.
Marco's Third Law of Fiddling: If something breaks, refer to Rule Number One.
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence. A life sentence.
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
Marriage lesson: If your wife says she doesn't feel well and has lost her appetite, do not suggest she should take advantage of it and lose a few pounds.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Math and alcohol don't mix. Please don't drink and derive.
Maxwell House Skydiving Team: Good to the last drop.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
May you never live to see your wife a widow.
May your life be like toilet paper... Long and useful.
Maybe everyone talks about artificial intelligence because there is not enough of the real kind and not artificial stupidity for the exact opposite reason.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
McDonald's new ads show four sandwiches that make up their 'taste menu.' What does that say about the rest of their food?
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Men are like fine wine: they start out as sweet grapes, but then you have to step all over them, put them in the cellar, keep them in the dark, and wait for them to mature until they become something you want to take to dinner.
Men are like fish. Neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut.
Men don't roar, women roar. Then they throw heavy objects.
Men exist because cats won't mow the lawn. Women exist because sheep can't cook. Neither of these things explain children or giraffes.
Mental backup in progress-Do Not Disturb!
Meskimen's Law: There is never time to do it right but always time to do it over.
Meteorite hits lottery winner.
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
Mistresses and wives are as different as night and day.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Money can't buy happiness, b ut it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Money can't buy happiness, but what can poverty buy?
Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
Money isn't everything. -It isn't enough!
Money talks, but things have been reeeeeeal quiet around my place lately.
Monotony is all the same.
Monotony: The same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over...
Most dog food labels have the actual food of what your dog is eating on them yet most cat food labels have a picture of some stupid cat on them. Your cat is not actually eating another cat is it?
Most girls marry men who are like their fathers. This is the real reason why mothers cry at weddings.
Most men would respect a woman's mind more if it bounced gently as she walked.
Most of us have gone up or down a set of stairs, right? So what exactly is a stair? If an individual step is a step, shouldn't they be called steps? And if stairs is already plural, why is there a set of them?
Most packages say "Open Here." What would you do if it said "Open Somewhere Else?"
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit.
Motherhood: Another reason why we need God's constant help.
Motherhood: The longest guilt trip you'll ever take.
Multi-Tasking: Reading in the bathroom.
My bank says it will soon be paperless. I'm not impressed-gas station restrooms have been paperless for years.
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
My dad is 75 years old and he still doesn't need glasses. He drinks straight from the bottle.
My delinquent is screwing your honor student!
My dog can lick anyone.
My Dogma's pissing on the tires of your Karma.
My excuse for not going to the gym is that I have the body of a god--Buddha.
My favorite book is a check book.
My girlfriend broke up with me and now she's seeing something else. She was the most incredible lover I've ever been with. So it's not just knowing that she's screwing this other guy, it's knowing that she's screwing him well.
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.
My high school was so poor that they had to use the same car for Drivers' Ed. and Sex Ed.
My homework is like a juicy steak: rarely done.
My husband says I feed him like he's a god; every meal is a burnt offering.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.
My IQ test came back negative.
My karma just ran over your dogma.
My mind doesn't just wander, sometimes it leaves completely.
My Mom always said, "Don't take candy from a stranger, unless of course they offer you a ride at the same time!"
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
My next house will have no kitchen, just vending machines.
My other wife is beautiful.
My parakeet died yesterday while we were playing badminton.
My reality check bounced.
My sister wears false eyelashes, a wonder bra, a girdle, puts on three kinds of makeup and a fake ponytail. Then she says she's going out looking for a "real man."
My wife told me that the only time I talk to her is when I want sex. I told her it's OK to treat me the same way.
My wife washed my Odor Eaters. And put Bounce in the dryer. Now I walk like Tigger. And Greg Lewis.
My wife's other car is a broom.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and Whole Bran.
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.
Natalie's Law of Calculus: You never catch on until after the test.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them, and Psychiatrists charge them rent.
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of paintings by Picasso.
Never argue with an idiot. First they bring you down to their level and then they beat you with experience.
Never cut what you can untie.
Never date someone who regularly removes hair from the same parts of their body as you do.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never do the things I did, since you may be almost so unlucky as I was.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
Never forget that 'stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts.'
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
Never knock on Death's door: Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
Never leave a Kleptomaniac in a waiting room with a sign that says "take a seat."
Never mind what my dreams mean, doc, just get me their phone numbers.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never moon a werewolf.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
Never raise your hands to little kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never say "OOPS!" Always say "Ah, Interesting!"
Never stop at a motel where the VACANCY sign is painted on the wall.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never trust a skinny cook.
Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig!
Niagara Falls--Viagra Rises.
Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
No amount of planning will ever replace dumb luck.
No job is so simple that it can't be done wrong.
No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.
No matter how hard you try, you cannot push a string.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a pool, you can't walk on water.
No matter how much strawberry you have in Neapolitan Ice Cream, why do you always get a creamy brown color when it melts?
No one can ever know for sure what a deserted place looks like.
No one ever describes a triangle as having three angles. So why don't we call it a 'trisidal?'
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
No one is a virgin; life screws us all.
No one is listening until you fart.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
No sense in being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
No wonder chickens are discouraged. They can never find things where they lay them.
Noah wasn't the first person off the ark. He came forth.
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
Nobody's perfect. I am nobody. Therefore I am perfect.
Nobody's standing in a one-night stand.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
Not the sharpest fish in the dollhouse, now are you?
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Notice: Take lettuce from top of stack or heads will roll.
Now that everything's starting to click for me why does it have to be my elbows my neck and my knees?
Now, where did I set my chameleon skin suitcase?
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Of course I'm drunk... I'm no stunt driver!
Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power tools aren't soluble in alcohol.
Of course Scooby-Doo and Shaggy were stoned. That's why they always had the munchies.
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
Oh give me a home, where the buffalo roam, where the deer and the antelope play, Where seldom is heard, a discouraging word, 'cause what can an antelope say?
Oh give me a home, where the buffalo roam...and I'll show you a house full of shit.
Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too.
Ok fine, Superman can stop a bullet, flames, liquid nitrogen, and anything else really simply by just standing in front of it. But doesn't he wear spandex? Since when has spandex become indestructible?
OK, I'm weird! But I'm saving up to become eccentric.
OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
Okay, I've downloaded a million awesome clipart images that I can't be without. Now what?
Okay, okay, I take it back! Unscrew you!
Okay, so you've accomplished your life long dream. Now what?
Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives.
Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides."
Omelet: The vegetarian version to the classic Shakespearean tragedy.
On "Mr. Bubble" bubble bath, why do the instructions on the box say 'Keep Dry'? How are you supposed to use it if you don't get it wet?
On a bottle of children's antihistamine tablets why do they show the warning "May cause drowsiness. Do not drive or operate machinery. Avoid alcohol"? Is this medicine only for people who let their little children drive their vehicles? Or drink their booze?
On a box of Shredded Wheat the labeling reads "Ingredients: 100% whole wheat." Why do they put a warning on the box that it may contain traces of nuts? Doesn't 100% mean the whole thing?
On a recent trip to British Columbia I saw several signs enticing us to visit a 'Demonstration Forest.' Just what exactly would the Forest demonstrate?
On airplanes do the pilot seats have the floatation cushion on them?
On application forms why do they ask us who they should contact in case of an emergency? Shouldn't they always contact a Doctor?
On desk calendars, July 1st is shown as Canada Day, and then, in parentheses (For Canada). Where else do they observe Canada Day?
On detergent commercials they show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
On Earth packages are commonly labeled "This Side Up." Would it make any difference out in space?
On electric toasters why do they engrave the message 'one slice?' How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.
On some newscasts why do reporters say that a person broke two of their legs in an accident? Just how many legs do they think they have?
On the back of a Children's Tylenol bottle, why does it state 'keep away from small children?' If we do this then how are we supposed to give it to them to help them get better?
On the bags of miniature candy bars it says 'Fun Size.' Does this mean that the regular size bars are not fun?
On the first day of baseball, the president throws the ball in, not out. If he threw it out, it would land in the parking lot.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
On the news why do reporters refer to a person as 'a 16 year old teenager?' Is it possible for a 16 year old not to be a teenager?
On the one hand, you have five fingers. On the other hand, you have different fingers. On the other hand...you have too many hands.
On the parental warning for the movie South Park, they say that it is intended for mature audiences, but honestly, how mature do you think the average South Park fan is?
On the TV show Jeopardy, why is it that they're called 'daily doubles' when they have three per episode each day?
On the way to work this morning I heard a newscaster say 'A higher than expected turnout is expected.' So if we expect 50% turnout are we suppose to expect 55%? No wait if we expect 55% turnout then we must expect 60% turnout right? No wait...
On TV the commercial says that 8 out of 10 people suffer from Hemorrhoids. Does this mean the other 2 people enjoy them?
Once a freak, always a freak.
Once a king, always a king, but once a knight is enough.
Once they invent faster-than-light travel will that mean that once you get to your destination you'll have to wait in the dark for awhile?
Once you know what you know, you can find out what you don't know.
Once you've eaten your final meal prior to being executed and then your execution is stayed, do you get another final meal?
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I laughed.
One by one, the penguins steal my sanity.
One car commercial claims that the car is ranked #1 in 'Impact Collision' safety. Is there a way to have a collision without an impact?
One hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.
One man's fish is another man's poisson.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
Only dead fish go with the flow.
Only in America will someone order two quarter pound burgers, an extra large french fries, and a diet coke.
Operator! Trace this call and tell me where I am.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the show?
O'Toole's corollary to Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist.
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
Out of the mouth of babes comes...yuck.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. And inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Owners of digital watches: Your days are numbered!
Pantomime is the root of all evil.
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
Peace through superior firepower.
Penicillin: The only thing to give a man who has everything.
People always say 'A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down,' but what if you are a diabetic?
People always say that the grass is always greener on the other side, but has anyone actually turned the grass over?
People are 98% water. How much can we drink before we drown?
People are idiots. So don't be people; be yourself.
People are stupid. If you forget, they will remind you.
People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Neither should they nail up pictures.
People say they need to have clean underwear in case they're in an accident. If you're in an accident how long do you think your underwear is going to stay clean?
People usually get what's coming to them, unless it's been mailed.
People who are redundant by repeating themselves and saying the same thing again and again and again really annoy me
People who get to big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
People who live in glass houses shouldn't cavort nude on top of the piano doing gorilla impersonations.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Perring Predicament: if you are trying to call someone for something urgent, they will be trying to call you at the same moment.
Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.
Peter Principle: Every employee is promoted to his level of incompetence; therefore all positions are filled by incompetent people.
Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!
Pianos should take piano lessons; humans should take piano-playing lessons.
Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck...
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Please, Lord; let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
Pobody's Nerfect.
Porn may not have a great plot, but it sure does have a really amazing climax.
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda' neat.
Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
Predestination was doomed from the start.
Prejudiced people are all alike.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Preschool Teacher: If it's a preschool, shouldn't it have a Preteacher?
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit
Pretty soon people will realize that when driving, that's all they should be doing.
Pride of nationality depends not on ignorance of other nations, but on ignorance of one's own.
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
Procrastination is like masturbation: It feels good until you realize that you are only screwing yourself.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be having fun.
Q: How many rolls of duct tape does it take to fix a light bulb?
A: Halogen or fluorescent? Duct tape fixes anything.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Queen Elizabeth has people to put on her make-up and do her hair. She also never needs cash to pay for anything, and never needs identification. So why does she carry a handbag?
Question Authority - Don't ask why, just DO it!
Quotable: "heLP! MY tyPEwRiteR iS brokEN!" -e.e. cummings
Quotable: "I think I am! I think I am!" -- The Little Engine that Philosophized
Quotable: "In the Beginning  There was the Word  And the word was Chocolate  And it was good." --Confections 1:30
Quotable: "Doo onto others before they doo onto you." -Big Bird
Quotable: "Every" "Word" "you" "say" "is" "a" "quote," "isn't" "it" "?"
Quotable: "Holy Kleenex, Batman! It was right under our nose and we blew it!" --Robin
Quotable: "It's not what a nose looks like that counts, it's what's in it that counts."-Carl Reimer
Quotable: "Let them eat assorted meat by-products." -Marie Spam-toinette
Quotable: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." -Albert Einstein
Quotable: "Take 12 pills, and if you wake up, call me in the morning." -Dr. Kevorkian
Quotable: "The quality of my life would be greatly reduced if I did not have nostrils." --'Weird Al' Yankovic
Quotable: "Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again." -- Marin County newspaper's TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz."
Quotable: "You can do anything with a bayonet except sit on it." -Napoleon Bonaparte
Quoth the raven, 'Eat my shorts.'
RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure.
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
Rather than dieting, wouldn't you look thinner if you fattened up everyone else around you?
Rather than trying to keep up with the Jones's wouldn't it be cheaper to try and drag them down to your level?
Razors pain you, rivers are damp. Acids stain you and drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful, nooses give. Gas smells awful; you might as well live.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.
Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons.
Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is bad for you.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if taken while driving.
Rehab is for quitters!
Reintarnation: coming back as a hillbilly.
Remember, a chicken coop can only have two doors; if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
Remember, nothing is so bad that it can't get worse.
Remember, only YOU can start Barney fires.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
Resistance is futile! (If less than one ohm.)
Right now I'm having amnesia and Deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Rocket Launchers: For when only little bits and pieces of your enemies will do.
Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I!
Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer. Corollary: Provided, of course, that you know there is a problem.
Sacred cows make the best burgers.
Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.

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