My New Invention, A New Location

So the other day I was watching some television and I noticed that there are generally a lot of shows, movies, and the like whose premise involves a person being stuck in a movie or TV show, and they know it. Given that I have a lot of free time and various untested yet powerful machines pretty much lying around my apartment, I figured it would be a blast to maybe try doing something like that, see if it can be done. A few hours later (not including dinner), I was done, and I had created a machine that allows the user to travel between time and space into other realities, specifically those inhabited by movies and TV shows. Pretty cool stuff, and of course I had to try it out. On the whole, it worked okay, but it needs a long time, it turns out, to recharge, and until it does I am stuck in the first place I visited, which is both good and bad.

See, I am stuck in a porno movie.

I know what you're thinking - this would be the best kind of movie to be trapped in, right? In actual practice, it's a little less exciting than you might imagine, maybe even a lot less. For starters, everyone here is retarded. I mean everyone. Everyone from politicians to store clerks to businessmen. I have not met a single human being that is not monosyllabic - even schoolteachers have to struggle to get out words more complicated than "yes," "no," or "FUCK ME HARDER." As such, it is extremely hard to get anything done. Just yesterday, I went to a convenience store to get some milk and cereal, and the girl behind the counter just looked at me glassily when I asked her where the dairy products were. Finally, after quite the awkward silence, she informed me that I had the only milk she needed. If not for the fact that she immediately began sucking my cock, I probably would have said something about how that didn't even make any goddamn sense.

As fun as that was, day to day life is a little unsettling here. On the way home from the store I picked up a paper and found out that the population has been steadily decreasing. Experts have theorized that people are simply not having enough (if any) children due to the fact that sex always concludes with the guy busting a nut all over the woman's face, ass, tits, whatever. On the upside, no one seems to care - they're all too stupid, and even if they weren't, they'd be too busy fucking.

And seriously, it's absurd how much of that happens here. I've been trying to keep to locations where it's unlikely to happen, but to no avail. I went to the bank only to discover that bank managers are pretty much constantly banging their secretaries, and when I got to the front of the line, the teller told me she would like me to make a deposit. I tried to tell her that I was there to do exactly that, but then I realized what she meant, and before I could explain the misunderstanding, she was sucking my cock.

By this point I was walking funny. Being at a bank reminded me that I should probably find a job somewhere to make some loot while I'm here, but my usual job of phone support seemed very unavailable. People looked to only be hiring plumbers, pizza delivery boys, pool cleaners, and cable guys. None of those looked especially appealing, and a few of them required a mustache, which I would look terrible with. I asked if maybe they had any openings in the computer field at which point the girl at the job office told me she had an opening for me and by now I knew what was coming but failed to adequately communicate the problem in time and by then it was too late and she was sucking my cock.

So, no good. Well, all right, no problem. I am not easily discouraged. I didn't really have anywhere to go, so I just knocked on a random door, and pretty much as I expected, a hot woman in skimpy lingerie answered. It occurred to me that the same thing would happen no matter what I said, so I looked her square in the eye and told her, "Hi, I was raised by a tribe of aboriginal pies and I've been selling brisket to needy cetaceans for about three billion years. Would you care to terraform in the cabbage? As a quail, I am offended. Before you answer, let me just say this: CLOAIC LOMO." To which she responded that she might not be a cetacean but the only brisket she was interested in was in my pants, which incidentally made no fucking sense at all but so what. Then we had sex. I'd like to say it was good, that it was satisfying, but on the whole it wasn't. For one thing, she felt like a warm mannequin. For another, it vacillated between mechanical and absurd, which was a little distracting and kind of scary. Towards the middle of the act, with her on top, she put both her legs behind her head and started doing push-ups on me. Then we changed positions and she did a handstand with her ass in the air and stayed that way for like three minutes. Finally, she did was I could only describe as an Olympic gymnastic routine. It was pretty fucked up.

So there was that, and I had a place to stay for the night. I ducked out in the morning, which wasn't hard to do because the milkman came around and she was kind of busy having her ass licked on the kitchen table. I snuck out undetected.

If I have learned anything from being stuck in a porno movie, it's that it is very much like eating frosting - it's good every so often but you won't see me eating frosting three meals a day. I was telling this to someone in the cafe I was sitting in earlier today and she gave me a heavy-lidded look and told me that I had some frosting she would like to eat and this retarded music started playing and it was kind of distracting and by the time I got my bearings she had started sucking my cock.